Things you just shouldn't say. Period.

My mom came to visit.

A long time ago, like 5 years ago, I learned that no matter what I'll never make my mom happy. Mom will always have something to say. She will be disappointed. I will be a horrible daughter some how. I can't control that. I can't control her and how she treats me. What I can control is me, how I treat her, and living far away from her so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect my mom. She has done a lot. She has taught me quite a few things in life. There are many good qualities about my mom. I recognize that. I will acknowledge that. But, when we spend time together in close quarters I am reminded of all the things she likes to say.

I have begun to call them Momisms.

Momism from this evening: You're not supposed to work out every day. You're supposed to give your muscles a break.

Yes, true, I worked mostly arms today so my run tomorrow should be fine. Heaven forbid I be in shape and can actually do physical activity daily?

Momism from Monday: You and your fiance are old enough and set in your ways enough that you're going to struggle.

Really? Wow. Thanks for that vote of confidence. We rather seem to like each other, know how to discuss things, and often think a like already. Yeah we know it won't all be sunshine and roses, but we will work through them. I like to think we are older, more mature, and ready to be in a marriage because of this, not doomed.

Momism from last week while taking the dog for her morning walk after my run: (I gotta give you the whole conversation...)
Mom: So when you go to Crossfit is there a coach?
Me: Yep, that's how Crossfit works. There is a coach to help you with all the stuff we do and the workout.
Mom: Oh, well when your sister and her husband go they go for a WHOLE HOUR.
Me: Yep, I go 5:30 to 6:30. That's an hour.
Mom: Well, when they go it is NON-STOP for an hour. They are constantly doing something the WHOLE TIME.
Me: Yep, that's Crossfit.

Cause my Crossfit is so much more inferior to the Crossfit my sister (her fave) hasn't done in almost two years?

Momism from last week, the day after the one just listed and on our walk again: (again, you need the convo)
Me: My butt hurts. We did a lot today at Crossfit so walking is a little difficult this morning.
Mom: (something not so memorable)
Me: I made your sister laugh when we were dress shopping. My sister kept picking dresses that were way too small and your sister was the only one paying attention to me. In one of them I told her that at least my butt looked good and flexed it causing her to laugh. Nobody else saw it.
Mom: Well you look like a sausage in the wedding dress you bought too.

Yep. That's my mom. That's one of those things that nobody should ever say to anyone, ESPECIALLY their daughter. This is the one that takes the cake for this visit! Mind you, this is followed a week later by implying that I workout too much. Which is it? Am I fat or do I workout too much? No mention of the 25 lbs I've lost since the last time I saw her. Nope. This is my mom. Yet I will still respect her. I will still be polite, as much as possible, and cook for her and take care of her while she is here. I will still be concerned for her and try to help her out. But at the end of the day when she says something about how I'm not the greatest of daughters (comments have been made implying this in the past) she won't have any actual evidence. I will NOT give her the evidence of making her feel like she makes me feel with her comments. I cannot control her or her actions, but I can control mine.

Now, most think this would make me feel bad. I've learned not to listen to my mom. It has actually become a joke. I told someone about it and they said if I was a sausage then I must be a turkey sausage. I came back with "cause I'm so lean." So now I have a wedding dress which makes me a "lean turkey sausage."

What does upset me? Well, the fact that I lost my best friend when I pissed her off standing up for myself when I told her I too have issues with my body and don't like it. The ONE person who is ALWAYS supposed to have your back told me that I look like a sausage in my wedding dress. A dress Mom only saw a picture of me in, a dress she told me she didn't even want to see while she is here, and a dress that I LOVE and feel amazing in because I know I look amazing in it.

I know without a doubt I do NOT look like a sausage. Not even remotely. I don't even think I have the weird side boob/fat arm pits in this dress. I know I work hard to be where I am today in my fitness journey and to keep it going. I know that Mom can take her comment about not needing to worry about shrinking out of my clothes because I'm apparently going to get pregnant and gain it all right back and shove it. I'm changing my life for me and my future. I'm not losing weight for the wedding, I'm losing weight because it is healthier for me, helps me feel better, and I just like being active. This is a lifestyle change I'm working on and not a short term fix.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!! (A Little Late)

So I was off on some wild adventures for the week of Thanksgiving and never had a chance to write about anything. Here is a recap of the Thanksgiving Trip... part 1.

The bf and I started out early Saturday and headed to Colorado National Monument. We did some hiking and it was BEAUTIFUL! The rocks were amazing and the formations were cool. You could see for miles and it was just gorgeous.

From there we headed to Moab, UT. The next day we hiked a LOT in Arches National Park. Again... BEAUTIFUL!!! And the arches look so strong but when you learn more about them you find they are really fragile. Also, some of the trails in the Devil's Garden are very high up with little around you. It was an intense hike on the anxiety front for sure. After a mile or two total in Colorado Nat. Monument and then a good long hike in Arches, my legs were tired but not done yet.

Monday involved driving to the end of the overlook road from the Island in the Sky Visitor's Center in Canyonlands National Park. Again... BEAUTIFUL!!! At the end of the road we hiked out to the end of the trail and back. The legs were still going!

Then the snow hit and we changed our afternoon plans and avoided seeing Canyons of the Ancients and Hovenweep National Monument. Tuesday brought with it a trip to Mesa Verde National Park. Now, when I was about 8 years old and in 2nd grade I remember seeing pictures of cliff dwellings in a book. I added seeing such things to my bucket list immediately. Imagine my surprise when I moved to Colorado and found out it was IN Colorado!! Then finding out how long of a drive it was... then how hot it gets in the summer so no driving, camping, and exploring for me. But now. This trip. We were going to actually see it. I have waited 20 years for this!!!! And again... BEAUTIFUL!!! Amazing.

The last day on the road, Wednesday brought a trip to Great Sand Dunes National Park. The hike to the top of the dune was SO difficult. Nothing like working your legs more than you ever have in the last 5 days only to spend the 5th hiking up sand! BUT I DID IT!!!!! And I'm glad I did.

Then we were back home and ate dinner with family on Thursday. Surprisingly I survived what the fitbits registered as almost 40 miles worth of walking. FOURTY miles of walking in 5 days. I'm kind of a beast!

Every place we went I thought it was the most beautiful thing and it nothing else could come close. Then we would get to the next stop and again... same thought. I couldn't have imagined how beautiful these places are and although we were exhausted from all that I crammed into the trip, it is wonderful to be able to say I saw these places, hiked, and am still able to walk. :)

It is paying off... slowly

The other day I stepped on the scale and saw a number less than 170 for the first time in a long time!!!! A week later I saw it again!!! Now, I know 169.8 isn't a huge win but when I stop and look back I'm down over 10 lbs. Today when I stepped on the scale I saw 167!!! I can remember seeing 183 on the scale (more than one day in a row) and this morning I was down 16 lbs!!! (According to my BMI I should lose another 20, I'd be happy with another 7-10)

What have I been doing?
-Less Stress
-Living Happier
-Focusing on the Positives
-Eating Better
-Following more of the diet I paid good money for the blood test to find out
-Working Out

Overall just being more satisfied with life, decluttering it in many ways, and working to enjoy it. Instead of focusing on the bad I try more to focus on the good. It doesn't always happen, but I try and that is the first step. :)

So, just a quick post about my win today and how my weight is better than yesterday. :) Along with the eating habits...


Oh, AND I wore a skirt today. It is cute, I just don't always wear skirts because I'm a teacher and they make me nervous at times being around 8th grade boys all day... Anyway... wore a skirt all day, spent the whole day walking around the room, did a review game so I had to be on my feet and moving things on the board and everything... It was the last period of the day before I realized I never put deodorant on my thighs. (It is a trick to prevent chafing and if you haven't tried it, you should.) I never put deodorant on my thighs and I had no chafing issues!!!! There are a lot of little payoffs to all this...

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Last week I set the goal of eating all Whole30 or at least Paleo to help kick the sugar issues that I have and to get back on track. This has sort of been my whole goal since Halloween time but last week I said it was going to happen! Two weeks till Thanksgiving break, a trip, a turkey, and all the overeating that goes with the above. So, two weeks to reset and make better choices to hopefully help curb all the bad habits over break.

Well, last week was a horrible week when examined up close but when I step back it was actually a great week. Up close it included some late nights at school to get grading and other things taken care of, some crazy time where kids were building constantly on their projects, an election that has led to the worry of a possible pay cuts (definitely not getting raises next year) based on not passing some school funding items, and some really stressful times. But, when I step back I see a week where kids were able to create unexplainable project pieces, rock a presentation to their parents, cook some great food for teachers, and overall show that they are great and why I do what I do.

That being said I was invited to Pizza and Punch by students in the FACS class. I was ecstatic because all of last year I never received an invite for their days to cook for teachers and this year I was invited right away! How can you turn down a chance to sit with students who want you to be there and eat some delicious pizza? It was amazing! Just... it wasn't paleo...

Then Thursday came along. I was tired, had cramps, a to do list a mile long, and just wanted to curl up and go back to bed. Instead I had to be at school, had to get a video made, round up photos, organize some stuff, and put on a happy face until 8pm while students showed off their projects. So, when the math teacher walked in with donuts I may have eaten one... or four... throughout the day. Then, for dinner the other teachers who ran to the store to get sides for our pulled pork brought back cheesecake and berries. How could I resist?! It was a rough, emotional day. Friday I may have helped finish off more cheesecake even though I'm not proud of it.

So, I had some wins in that I kept the cravings down until the end of the week. I even went to the candy drawer, dug through it, and none of the candy sounded good so I closed it and walked away. But I did give in at the end of the week big time!

This week is a new week and everyday is a new day. Today I saw 169 on the scale for the second time in a week. That is a HUGE win!!! I will take it and use it as incentive to keep going. :)

So today I was better at getting my workout in, drinking more water, and avoiding the last of the cheesecake along with other things I shouldn't eat.

Something that's been bothering me...

So, it is "that" week. Girls know the one I'm talking about.... For me that means thinking about EVERYTHING and mulling over it a million times. Often I go back to the day I couldn't handle the girl I called my best friend. (Mind you she always called someone else her best friend but was sure to let me know that I was a better friend than the other girl was most days.)

See... this is what happens... stupid side tangents...

On that day she mentioned how people look at her and are disgusted by her weight/looks. About how people make comments about how fat and ugly she is. How a kid drove by 9 years ago and yelled at her something about Jenny Craig. How I don't know what it is like to have people make comments because they don't like my body. (disclaimer: this is my brain this week, it could have changed the actual events)

So I've been pondering about it and I have realized something... I do know. It has happened to me. As a matter of fact it happened from her. And then came this realization...

You don't have to be fat for people to think you look disgusting.

I have honestly never thought I was "fat." I've never claimed that. There have been times where I think I could lose a few pounds. When I would feel better if I was in better shape. All that... But I've never thought I've been fat. (My BMI says otherwise, I think it uses the term "obese")

Looking back she had always made comments about how I didn't need to lose weight. How I looked amazing. I was even too skinny at one point. (I was pretty darn skinny Freshman year of high school) Most of these were comments made in support. In the last year of our friendship though I feel like some became less supportive. (Again, it could all be in my brain) Then I got to thinking about it and see people all the time make comments, smiling, and then turn around and drop the smile to be envious. They honestly find it disgusting that you aren't fat. That you just look good and think it comes so easy to you. They judge you for how you look and blame you for judging them even if you don't.

Have I ever looked at a picture and said, "Woah, she/he got big?" Yeah. I can't lie and say I haven't. Except for one person (an ex) I have NEVER said it because they look disgusting. It is more of a comment of shock because the person I knew, the person I thought they were, valued their self more.  I don't think people gain weight because they don't value their self, there are always other factors that play a role. I think what becomes more apparent is how uncomfortable they look like they feel being in the picture and you can see that they don't look at their whole self the same or value it the same anymore. It is more of a shock to see their confidence gone. THAT is what makes me sad and disgusted.

Then I look back and all the times I felt remarks were made about my weight or how good I look in a judging manner was when I was feeling most confident about myself. (Negative comments were made at times when I wasn't feeing great about being me.. unless it is coming from my mom and that's just how my mother is) Anyone who knows me quickly learns that I'm a pretty confident and independent person. That's just me and how I've had to be in life. I don't let many visibly bring me down. (They do, I just normally don't let it show. Or try not to.) So then I have to reevaluate... do these girls make comments in a negative manner about my looks because they are disgusted by them or do they make the comments because I am so confident about myself? Do others make comments about those they see as disgusting, for whatever reason, because they envy the confidence level of that person?

Self reflection and people watching, especially as a teacher, has led me to know that people will often turn things on others and blame others for issues. Kid gets a bad grade and feels bad about it, turns on the kid who got the A and tries to make sure they feel bad about that A too. Someone in an unhappy relationship tries to make others feel bad about their healthy relationship or at least question it. We do it all the time! "Oh, you're going to the beach on vacation?! Oh, well I heard about the jellyfish/weather/sharks/bugs/area/people/etc. were bad there." We try to steal their happiness to make up for our own lack of happiness. I'm guilty of it too! The first step is admitting you have a problem!

So, here is what I have been working on... building people up. Let's stop tearing people down. Let's stop judging. Let's allow people to be open and honest and not interfere with their feelings. If you see or think of something positive to say, say it! If they are upset help them out. Lift them up. Don't thrive off their misery. And if they are happy and excited and joyous? Do NOT take that away from them! Don't ruin their confidence/happiness/excitement just to make yourself feel better. Don't do it. If you can't be happy for them then figure out what in your life is preventing you from being happy for them and either do something to change it or accept it as it is and move on. It may not happen over night, but get over it!

I've slowly been working on this and I have to say, (minus this week) I have been a happier person overall. Try it. Try to see things from a different perspective and not judging people. That includes the car that cut you off, the person who takes forever ringing up your groceries (PAINFULLY slow just so you know... and was upsetting to stand in line forever to get the slowest cashier and it could have ruined my day but instead I wondered if she HAD to be working and that was the job she could do. She was older  maybe stocking or something else wouldn't work out. Then instead of anger and frustration at her I was upset with the situation and felt bad for her and hope she is accomplishing what she needs to.), the student who acts like a jerk sometimes, everyone who upsets us in some way or even causes us to be jealous of something... stop. Be happy.

As Perscribed...

Today I did my first WOD Rx.

That's right. I did the whole workout as prescribed.

It was my very first time to Rx a workout and I couldn't be more proud. The workout was a 7 min AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) of 10 burpees ending in a jump on a weight followed by a farmers carry at 25# each hand around the building. I managed to do 2 rounds with 6 extra burpees. Not a lot, the max was three or just over three, but I finished it as prescribed.

Now, even bigger than doing the workout Rx is the fact that I did burpees. I did 10 in a row each time and only had to stop to pull up my pants! I survived burpees and they didn't even seem that bad!!! THEN I did the extra 4 min row!

That is exciting. That is one of the benefits of getting into shape. Who cares if I can ever fit into a "small" size again, I can do so many more things!!!! I am strong. I am almost "in shape." (I think I could have a little more endurance for somethings like running and such) I am me and couldn't be more proud.

Rockin' it Today!

Tuesdays have become our team meeting days so my plan period is spent in the office discussing things that typically don't accomplish much. I could probably write a whole blog just on team meetings. But, because my plan period is taken up by meetings this means I have to be on top of things and/or go into school with enough time to get setup. On top of that I told a student who was worried and stressed about her grades that I could meet with her early if she wanted to. (Kind of frustrating to get a 2 page email, take the time to respond, and then the kid never checks for a response...) Plus there were some copies to be made and some blanks to white-out for kids who need notes in class rather than copying.

I made it in time. I get copies made. I get everything setup. I go to the meeting. We get held late. I get back to class and hey, I did actually get everything setup and don't have to rush things! Technology works. I'm using my ipad to write on the projector so I don't have to stand at the front where the board is, instead I can mix it up! Kids are asking great questions. We are having an awesome discussion. I look up and there is a pencil stuck in my ceiling... NOT TOO HAPPY... But it is kind of funny.

The day goes on. Some classes are just more talkative than others and that's life. Kid totally flipped off another kid and then acted like he did nothing when I was watching him! Ugh... I meet with the kid about grades before lunch. Things are going. Then comes the end of the day.

I rocked the time from 3-4! I prepped for the ACT class that I'm helping teach. All the ducks were put in a row nicely. Then I called my other bank and got some information so I can actually access my online account. Changed that password, checked some things out. I called and talked to CenturyLink because $47.99 for 1.5 Mbps is NOT a great deal. They knocked it back down to $25 which is still pricy considering the speed, but at the same time I don't mind the slower speed, I'm more worried about cost. (Note, could have internet and Direct TV for $53 but on my 24" tv it isn't worth it, isn't saving money, and I have a free antenna, netflix, and access to xfinity online) Now all that is left is to cancel the diary stuff for good and redo the kitchen floor.

That's right, I'm redoing the kitchen floor. I dislike the quality of laminate floor in my whole house and it isn't installed very well in general either. When I had dishwasher issues I realized the floor would have to come out to get a new dishwasher in. While price checking dishwashers to see how much I didn't really want to spend (and ended up not having to!) I also checked to see what a new floor would cost me. Turns out I found a great deal on enough vinyl flooring to cover the kitchen, bathrooms, pantry, and laundry closet for a whopping $80! Couldn't pass up that deal... Now I just have to rip up the old floor and figure out how to get the new one down. The plan for this weekend is to get the old one completely out and access the situation.

Oh, and I received my newest toy today! The friend that I no longer talk to had a Silhouette Cameo and although she did a lot for her wedding with it the thing seemed like overall a waste of money for myself to buy. So it wasn't an option for me in my mind. She and her other friend each had one of the first and second styles created. After awhile of seeing different projects that were cute I looked into it a little more and they will cut fabric! I've wanted to do applique quilts and such for awhile but never really did because of the tedious cutting process. This would do it for me! So I looked some more and turns out there was a new model coming out. So I figured a few things... 1) the old model would drop in price when the new one came out and 2) perhaps the new features were worth the money? I waited. The project ideas began to pile up and so I decided to look and see when the new model would be available and it was only about $20 for the bundle I found on Amazon so I snatched one up!  The following weekend I decided to apply for financing to purchase windows for my house and so the Cameo will be the last purchase for awhile.

Hopefully I will be able to sell some projects though as I get going to help fund more projects and perhaps make a little extra on the side. Not sure what time I will use since I can't even seem to find time to put dishes away, but I'm sure lots of crafting will happen over the holiday breaks. :)

Now it is time to finish installing the software and go to bed. I'm in a much better mood today than I was yesterday and feel so much better.

21 Days

So, I added up the number of days that I did exercise for at least 30 minutes! In the month of August with school starting and getting back into a routine and a crazy diet I managed 21 days of exercise. That's 68% of the days. I remember in college when I rewarded myself for 15 days and I just blew that out of the water. Last week I worked out 6 of the 7 days! This week I was doing pretty good until getting just plain worn out and have 3/4 days. Tomorrow is undecided... Monday is a holiday and the gym is closed. Plus I'm going out of town for the weekend and although will hopefully get to walk around a lot and hopefully do some shopping, I won't be able to really do my workouts or treadmill time. I still need to pack though and it is either get up early and pack or pack in a rush after school as I'm late to leave. I will probably do both but that means treadmill time because there is no way I'm making it to the gym AND getting any packing in... out of bed at 4 am is just crazy talk.

I'm also pretty sure I'm fighting off something. My ears and jaw are bothering me along with just being wiped out. So I figure it is better to slack off for a few days to make sure I can fight off whatever this is. Last thing I need is to get sick and then not be able to work out at all. I'm just starting to really enjoy it. I've found a gym I like. I like challenging myself to see if I can finish the workouts. I have a good trivia podcast I like to listen to. I am liking it. It is helping me I think too. Now if only the house and laundry would clean themselves...

A New Development

I have begun to check the workouts when they get posted the night before... This is something I often do because I'm beat after a long day at school. I haven't been getting home until after 5:00 which for me is weird because I typically can't function after 4. Anyway, I have been checking the workouts to see if I should go to Crossfit in the morning or not. For example, Sunday I spent the day with the bf and a friend canning peaches and strawberry jam. After being on my feet all day and my whole body aching, I decided to check the workout before deciding if I should get up and go or instead sleep in before the busy week.

Then something NEW happened... I saw the workout and was excited to go! Monday morning I was struggling to wake up. My phone decided to begin updating between snooze buttons. (I set 3 alarms and get to hit snooze on the last one once before having to actually get up) I began talking myself out of getting up but for some reason was so nervous that my phone wouldn't update in time for me to wake up again in time so I couldn't go back to sleep. I also tried to tell myself that I had nothing planned, I could just go on the way home from school. But then I also talked myself out of the afternoon idea because I really like the small morning class and the cooler temperatures. I know all the people, they are great, they are supportive, and there are less people in general so it isn't as crowded. It is also like 10 degrees cooler in the morning and even then it is often a hot and sweaty place when you get to working out.

I actually was more anxious about missing a great workout than I was about doing the workout. I talked myself into getting out of bed to make sure I made it to the morning class. This happened with less umph on Friday too! So strange...

In other news this weekend is supposed to be my shopping spree weekend but I will be out of town for the three days so clothes shopping will have to wait a little longer probably. One pair of slacks is in the works and seem like they will fit, I just have to work on the waist band part. Once they are done I should be able to whip up dress pants fairly quickly. They would take about 2 evenings if I actually put my mind to it. Especially since now I know what I'm doing.

This week I'm also a little heart broken about my weight. Friday I was down to 174!!! Kept it around there all weekend. Then Monday came and I was 177 again. Today was 178. My stomach has been horribly upset though and Monday wasn't pretty when I went to the bathroom before bed. I ate a lot of sugar and stuff I shouldn't this weekend so I'm thinking that did me in. It is back to restricting the diet to what was working again. Apparently sugar, rice, and almonds do actually affect me. That would also explain why switching to almond milk in my protein drinks wouldn't help with the weight loss. Good news is that I don't think any of the gain is actual pounds but instead just inflammation. Get back on track and that should drop off again in a few days.