Things you just shouldn't say. Period.

My mom came to visit.

A long time ago, like 5 years ago, I learned that no matter what I'll never make my mom happy. Mom will always have something to say. She will be disappointed. I will be a horrible daughter some how. I can't control that. I can't control her and how she treats me. What I can control is me, how I treat her, and living far away from her so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect my mom. She has done a lot. She has taught me quite a few things in life. There are many good qualities about my mom. I recognize that. I will acknowledge that. But, when we spend time together in close quarters I am reminded of all the things she likes to say.

I have begun to call them Momisms.

Momism from this evening: You're not supposed to work out every day. You're supposed to give your muscles a break.

Yes, true, I worked mostly arms today so my run tomorrow should be fine. Heaven forbid I be in shape and can actually do physical activity daily?

Momism from Monday: You and your fiance are old enough and set in your ways enough that you're going to struggle.

Really? Wow. Thanks for that vote of confidence. We rather seem to like each other, know how to discuss things, and often think a like already. Yeah we know it won't all be sunshine and roses, but we will work through them. I like to think we are older, more mature, and ready to be in a marriage because of this, not doomed.

Momism from last week while taking the dog for her morning walk after my run: (I gotta give you the whole conversation...)
Mom: So when you go to Crossfit is there a coach?
Me: Yep, that's how Crossfit works. There is a coach to help you with all the stuff we do and the workout.
Mom: Oh, well when your sister and her husband go they go for a WHOLE HOUR.
Me: Yep, I go 5:30 to 6:30. That's an hour.
Mom: Well, when they go it is NON-STOP for an hour. They are constantly doing something the WHOLE TIME.
Me: Yep, that's Crossfit.

Cause my Crossfit is so much more inferior to the Crossfit my sister (her fave) hasn't done in almost two years?

Momism from last week, the day after the one just listed and on our walk again: (again, you need the convo)
Me: My butt hurts. We did a lot today at Crossfit so walking is a little difficult this morning.
Mom: (something not so memorable)
Me: I made your sister laugh when we were dress shopping. My sister kept picking dresses that were way too small and your sister was the only one paying attention to me. In one of them I told her that at least my butt looked good and flexed it causing her to laugh. Nobody else saw it.
Mom: Well you look like a sausage in the wedding dress you bought too.

Yep. That's my mom. That's one of those things that nobody should ever say to anyone, ESPECIALLY their daughter. This is the one that takes the cake for this visit! Mind you, this is followed a week later by implying that I workout too much. Which is it? Am I fat or do I workout too much? No mention of the 25 lbs I've lost since the last time I saw her. Nope. This is my mom. Yet I will still respect her. I will still be polite, as much as possible, and cook for her and take care of her while she is here. I will still be concerned for her and try to help her out. But at the end of the day when she says something about how I'm not the greatest of daughters (comments have been made implying this in the past) she won't have any actual evidence. I will NOT give her the evidence of making her feel like she makes me feel with her comments. I cannot control her or her actions, but I can control mine.

Now, most think this would make me feel bad. I've learned not to listen to my mom. It has actually become a joke. I told someone about it and they said if I was a sausage then I must be a turkey sausage. I came back with "cause I'm so lean." So now I have a wedding dress which makes me a "lean turkey sausage."

What does upset me? Well, the fact that I lost my best friend when I pissed her off standing up for myself when I told her I too have issues with my body and don't like it. The ONE person who is ALWAYS supposed to have your back told me that I look like a sausage in my wedding dress. A dress Mom only saw a picture of me in, a dress she told me she didn't even want to see while she is here, and a dress that I LOVE and feel amazing in because I know I look amazing in it.

I know without a doubt I do NOT look like a sausage. Not even remotely. I don't even think I have the weird side boob/fat arm pits in this dress. I know I work hard to be where I am today in my fitness journey and to keep it going. I know that Mom can take her comment about not needing to worry about shrinking out of my clothes because I'm apparently going to get pregnant and gain it all right back and shove it. I'm changing my life for me and my future. I'm not losing weight for the wedding, I'm losing weight because it is healthier for me, helps me feel better, and I just like being active. This is a lifestyle change I'm working on and not a short term fix.

Spring? *updated*

It is hard to remember that it is still winter. We are in the "Spring Semester" and the weather is wonderful! I'm sure it will change again shortly but for now it is hard to remember that it isn't officially spring. Now, the spring semester is when I seem to get the busiest. Weekends are booked and busy along with evenings and week days. I didn't even look to see when the last time I had a moment to blog was.

I'm still doing alright with the workouts. Minus the illness of last weekend (flu is no fun) I have been going on a semi-regular basis. It is challenging when I'm not home in the mornings or am getting behind on grading and HAVE to get grades updated.

In the diet area I have been slacking. I have gotten in the habit of allowing myself food I shouldn't have once a week. That turned into once a week and anytime I was in a hurry. That turned into anytime I kind of wanted food I shouldn't have. Last weekend I was chaperoning a field trip and rather than packing food I opted to eat the food there and what we bought the kids. I ate WAY too much pizza on Friday night which led to waking up feeling HORRIBLE and puking. It was one of those situations where I didn't want to puke but knew it would make me feel so much better if I did. Then I ended up puking and was asking myself why I hadn't just done that earlier. I regretted eating pizza so much since I was assuming it was just my body rejecting all the gluten and cheese and grease and butter and garlic and... I'm getting an upset stomach just talking about it.

Well, turns out one of the teachers I work with had a kid down with a 24 hour stomach bug. I then determined that must be my issue when I had completely emptied my stomach and was still puking. But, everything tasted like pizza for 24 hours and I am now against pizza. I don't even really want a tomato sauce on anything yet either.

So I decided it was the kick in the pants that I needed. My weight loss has stopped and I know it is the diet. I also haven't been feeling great. I haven't been liking my job. I have noticed a lot going downhill in my attitude so it is time to get back on track. I know food leads to a lot of this. Also, my dog has been diagnosed with diabetes so in researching that more I have been reflecting on my own diet and blood sugar fluctuations. I want so much to get back to being fat adapted! So, March 1st I started a Whole 30. Three days have been good so far and I have some food plans for this week laid out. Already I have dropped about 6 lbs. Inches are about the same, but I have dropped some weight.

Then I got curious when I was looking back at how much I weighed and decided to pull up the original picture from when I started Crossfit. I found it was the end of March (I thought it was the beginning) when I started Crossfit and took some new pictures. I see some changes but nothing that dramatic. I'm still really proud of myself and what I've accomplished. The fact that I can do some of the workouts without feeling like I'm going to die is a great feeling! Also, I'm working towards a 10k distance and it is a good feeling to be able to get on a treadmill and do a walk/run training program and complete almost 3 miles in my last 5k time. And that includes walking!!!

**Update**
After posting this I went on about what I was doing and stumbled upon a post that led me to ask a friend about the former friend who I am no longer friends with. She is going through a very exciting time in her life and I had mixed feelings. I'm sad that I'm not there to experience it all with her. I thought about sending her a message but I have thought about this in the past and don't want to open that can of worms. I thought about sending her a card just to let her know that I'm excited for her but again, I don't want to open that can of worms. She could get the card and find it a nice gesture and go on with her life. She could get the card and want to start talking again. She could get the card and it could fire back up all the bad feelings towards me. She could fire up those feelings and lash out. These go from ideal to what I am completely trying to avoid in the first place. So I was having mixed emotions and decided to just wait and see what I feel in a few days. As I closed all my browser windows there were my two pictures I made part of this post.

Suddenly I see a HUGE difference. I see myself as a much happier person. Instead of focusing on where I don't want to be I focus on how close to where I want to be I actually am. I work and change the world daily. I'm planning a wedding to a guy that makes me smile and makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I bought a dress that I LOVE and adore and can't believe I will actually be getting married in. I am counting down the days to when I get to spend every day with my husband. I have stress but it is stress related to MY life. I don't let others stress me out as much. Even listening to the people I used to work with I realize all we ever did was complain and now I am WAY more positive and choose to focus on the positives.

THIS I don't ever want to give up. This, sadly, I think is all directly related to losing someone I called my best friend. I always tried my hardest to help her be happy and at the same time I lost my own happiness. As I said then and still say, losing her as a friend isn't about her, it is all about me. It has been too long since I have actually focused on me and worked more on becoming who I want to be rather than trying to be the one who helps everyone else.

I found that I had saved this picture while looking for my "before" photo and I think it says it all.

Now I see someone in the current picture who is figuring out how to swim on the surface again. THAT is why I started Crossfit and working on myself. THAT is why I gave up the friend I was closest to in the whole world. THAT is why I continue this journey. It isn't about weight or numbers or looks, it is about how I feel. Always has been, always will be.... be about me.

Halloween

Well, I survived Halloween!

This weekend the bf and I carved pumpkins and they were adorable. Then I came home so I could workout on Monday morning. It was difficult to get up in the morning but the workout was good. We did Fight Gone Bad again! I talked about it in my Week 3 post from April. I looked it back up and saw that my score was 179 in April. Monday I tallied up 182! It isn't a huge difference but it is an improvement. :) Just gotta be better than yesterday.

Monday night the bf and I handed out candy for trick-or-treaters and I cooked. I made caramel popcorn balls, chili, and cornbread. I was going to do a Paleo chili but I'm not supposed to have zucchini and that's a big veggie used in place of beans. Also I figured that my list says legumes are approved so I opted for beans. I made a huge pot full and then froze some and put some away for lunches. This led me to find that I should stop thinking my freezer is empty.

I'm also part of a group of positive, encouraging women and the leader mentioned starting a Whole30 for November. I have wanted to do a Whole30 round before but have never found enough food I am supposed to eat on the list of foods I should eat. So all day today I thought about it. Then, as I finally finished entering grades at 5pm and packed up to head home, I decided that this week it just won't happen. I need time to plan and shop. My goal for this week is to keep drinking lots of water, eat mostly Whole30, and only allow one meal a day to be a healthy, non-Whole30 meal.

My bf said he would also do the diet with me for support but I'm thinking it may have something to do with all the candy we ate last night making us feel so bad this morning... I also haven't done measurements for November because I've gained about 5 lbs from eating KALE SALAD (seriously... kale salad... there is really truth to this ALCAT test...) and then pigging out on candy last night didn't help.

So, now it is time to do more research. :)

Happy November!!!

As Perscribed...

Today I did my first WOD Rx.

That's right. I did the whole workout as prescribed.

It was my very first time to Rx a workout and I couldn't be more proud. The workout was a 7 min AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) of 10 burpees ending in a jump on a weight followed by a farmers carry at 25# each hand around the building. I managed to do 2 rounds with 6 extra burpees. Not a lot, the max was three or just over three, but I finished it as prescribed.

Now, even bigger than doing the workout Rx is the fact that I did burpees. I did 10 in a row each time and only had to stop to pull up my pants! I survived burpees and they didn't even seem that bad!!! THEN I did the extra 4 min row!

That is exciting. That is one of the benefits of getting into shape. Who cares if I can ever fit into a "small" size again, I can do so many more things!!!! I am strong. I am almost "in shape." (I think I could have a little more endurance for somethings like running and such) I am me and couldn't be more proud.

Some Thoughts

A lot has been going through my head lately and I wanted to share it all! :) But I will try to pace myself...

I ran a 5k this weekend! Sunday morning was the Hot Chocolate 5k in Downtown Denver. It was a great morning and after a week of not working out (minus Monday) it was wonderful to get some exercise. I managed to run the whole thing!!!! That's right... I ran the whole thing after being sick and not doing any exercise for about three weeks. My average pace was around 11 minute miles. 36:57 was my time according to my timing chip. I'm getting better without even running!

But, I still am missing working out. So, this month a facebook friend is having a 21/90 day group of ladies to encourage each other to keep on track with a goal. It has to do with the idea of taking 21 days to make a habit and 90 days until New Years. My goal is to get back to Crossfit 3 days a week. It seems if I get back into that habit then the other two days a week of exercise falls in place and I'm up to 5 days a week. It is also easier to keep the diet in check when working out on a regular basis. Sleep and schedules are usually easier for me to deal with too. So today, after a 5k yesterday, I woke up early and made it to the gym. :) Tomorrow walking may be an interesting task.

Diet... So I have discovered some things about diet. First, did you all know that butternut squash is really delicious? AND easy to make? I grilled some up this weekend and it was so tasty. I went and got three more from the store because they are on sale 2 lbs for $1. Chobani flips are also delicious. They make a pumpkin pie one that I would eat all day long if I could. Today I had the PB&J one that is also delicious. Yogurt and I are having a love affair right now. My goal is to cut out sugars again... I did it for the two weeks before so I know I can do it again... but for right now I'm good with no sweets and eating sugars in my food within reason.

Now I am so sleepy I could probably go crawl in bed for the night and be fine. Part of me is tempted to and just wake up extra early to get school stuff done. I could get up at the gym time and ride my bike to school tomorrow. Then I could go to bed now and be fine. I always bring home work to work on and never get around to doing any of it. My brain shuts down early in the evenings and nothing ever happens. This is why I workout in the mornings.

So far I'm in a much better mood than I have been and worked out today. :)

Plan, meet Wrench

So, huge wrench was thrown in all sorts of plans last week... Let me begin with the good first. :)

Wednesday I went on a hike. A BEAUTIFUL hike. It has been one year since the bf and I became pretty much inseparable so we decided to both take off work and go on a hike we were going to do almost a year ago but hadn't gotten to yet. It was only 1.2 miles but in that you gain 1,000 ft. It was some steep trail and not the easiest at times.

Hanging Lake, CO

The water was SO CLEAR!!!

Changing Leaves of CO

Then I brag... cause I didn't really ever get winded! I felt leg day from the Friday and Monday before, but I could easily stop for maybe 30 seconds and be fine to go again! I also could still walk at the end of the day, and even the next. #winning

That evening the bf came with me to ASL class and was bored out of his mind but has suddenly started teaching me way more signs! I like it. We ended the evening at the Cheesecake Factory where I ate my weight in food and then we shared a piece of cheesecake and took one to go for the weekend. Overall it was a great day and I loved every minute of it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Then comes #fail... nothing like taking a sick day only to wake up sick the next day.

Yep, Thursday I started to get sick. Friday was worse. Saturday was the peak of all that is horrible. Sore throat, stuffy nose, pressure everywhere, upset stomach from drainage, all of it... Sunday I began to feel a little better but it was now all in the sinus areas and trying to choke me. Luckily I have an awesome bf who let me lay in his relining couch spot all weekend and waited on me hand and foot. He even came to cuddle with me when I asked him to so I could sleep. It seemed the only way I slept during the day was if he was holding me. He let me watch whatever I wanted on tv and never complained and cooked all sorts of good food for me even though I couldn't taste it. I think he is a keeper!

Then comes today.

Today was rough. I felt better but it was a day where struggling to breathe and talk gives you a headache. As I was going through the lesson ideas I had for today I was dreading doing notes with the kids because that meant I would have to talk all day long. So instead I gave them a day to do the homework I would normally assign and give them 3 days for because it is kind of long. Then I was touched... kids really do have a heart and worked without issues on the assignment the entire hour. It was awesome and makes my heart happy. Then I left knowing I could come home and rest and be lazy.

THEN... I checked my email to find a student with high anxiety and over planned freaking out. Checked out some info and think it might be more than my class so replied to her about that. Then sent a note to the team as a heads up. Then went to deposit some checks and found that the last one I deposited didn't go through? Ugh. So sent the bank a message. No clue what I did with the check either. Oops. Checked the time as my internet was slowing and saw it was after 7... I REALLY need to call and complain about paying almost $50 for 1.5 Mbps internet. This is NOT ok... give me a promo rate again or I'm switching to a provider advertising 25 Mbps for $50. BIG difference there. But alas, it was too late to call. Which also means it is too late to call the other bank that I need to call and too late to call and cancel the milk man order because $11 for a gallon of OJ and a dozen eggs in a month is a little high. I don't use it enough anymore to justify it.

AND... to top it all off, I want to go work out. I miss it. And I'm doing so great at it! And I have a 5k in two weeks. And yet I can't even seem to walk a flight of stairs without feeling like I need a nap and fill tissues with snot all day long. Maybe I will take the pup on a walk in the morning if I'm feeling up to it before I go to school? I need to do something but I get so exhausted so easily.

And then there is the diet part... Yeah... not too proud to say my dinner tonight consisted of a bag of potato chips. But, I'm also at a place where I'm kind of thinking eating any food is better than nothing which is what I'm actually hungry for. I know I need to eat so I do force myself to... I just can't seem to force myself to cook or plan a meal.

So today I'm doing better on the illness front than yesterday and gaining my strength back one day at a time... but this is all a big wrench in the plan on keeping on track.

21 Days

So, I added up the number of days that I did exercise for at least 30 minutes! In the month of August with school starting and getting back into a routine and a crazy diet I managed 21 days of exercise. That's 68% of the days. I remember in college when I rewarded myself for 15 days and I just blew that out of the water. Last week I worked out 6 of the 7 days! This week I was doing pretty good until getting just plain worn out and have 3/4 days. Tomorrow is undecided... Monday is a holiday and the gym is closed. Plus I'm going out of town for the weekend and although will hopefully get to walk around a lot and hopefully do some shopping, I won't be able to really do my workouts or treadmill time. I still need to pack though and it is either get up early and pack or pack in a rush after school as I'm late to leave. I will probably do both but that means treadmill time because there is no way I'm making it to the gym AND getting any packing in... out of bed at 4 am is just crazy talk.

I'm also pretty sure I'm fighting off something. My ears and jaw are bothering me along with just being wiped out. So I figure it is better to slack off for a few days to make sure I can fight off whatever this is. Last thing I need is to get sick and then not be able to work out at all. I'm just starting to really enjoy it. I've found a gym I like. I like challenging myself to see if I can finish the workouts. I have a good trivia podcast I like to listen to. I am liking it. It is helping me I think too. Now if only the house and laundry would clean themselves...

A New Development

I have begun to check the workouts when they get posted the night before... This is something I often do because I'm beat after a long day at school. I haven't been getting home until after 5:00 which for me is weird because I typically can't function after 4. Anyway, I have been checking the workouts to see if I should go to Crossfit in the morning or not. For example, Sunday I spent the day with the bf and a friend canning peaches and strawberry jam. After being on my feet all day and my whole body aching, I decided to check the workout before deciding if I should get up and go or instead sleep in before the busy week.

Then something NEW happened... I saw the workout and was excited to go! Monday morning I was struggling to wake up. My phone decided to begin updating between snooze buttons. (I set 3 alarms and get to hit snooze on the last one once before having to actually get up) I began talking myself out of getting up but for some reason was so nervous that my phone wouldn't update in time for me to wake up again in time so I couldn't go back to sleep. I also tried to tell myself that I had nothing planned, I could just go on the way home from school. But then I also talked myself out of the afternoon idea because I really like the small morning class and the cooler temperatures. I know all the people, they are great, they are supportive, and there are less people in general so it isn't as crowded. It is also like 10 degrees cooler in the morning and even then it is often a hot and sweaty place when you get to working out.

I actually was more anxious about missing a great workout than I was about doing the workout. I talked myself into getting out of bed to make sure I made it to the morning class. This happened with less umph on Friday too! So strange...

In other news this weekend is supposed to be my shopping spree weekend but I will be out of town for the three days so clothes shopping will have to wait a little longer probably. One pair of slacks is in the works and seem like they will fit, I just have to work on the waist band part. Once they are done I should be able to whip up dress pants fairly quickly. They would take about 2 evenings if I actually put my mind to it. Especially since now I know what I'm doing.

This week I'm also a little heart broken about my weight. Friday I was down to 174!!! Kept it around there all weekend. Then Monday came and I was 177 again. Today was 178. My stomach has been horribly upset though and Monday wasn't pretty when I went to the bathroom before bed. I ate a lot of sugar and stuff I shouldn't this weekend so I'm thinking that did me in. It is back to restricting the diet to what was working again. Apparently sugar, rice, and almonds do actually affect me. That would also explain why switching to almond milk in my protein drinks wouldn't help with the weight loss. Good news is that I don't think any of the gain is actual pounds but instead just inflammation. Get back on track and that should drop off again in a few days.