Things you just shouldn't say. Period.

My mom came to visit.

A long time ago, like 5 years ago, I learned that no matter what I'll never make my mom happy. Mom will always have something to say. She will be disappointed. I will be a horrible daughter some how. I can't control that. I can't control her and how she treats me. What I can control is me, how I treat her, and living far away from her so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect my mom. She has done a lot. She has taught me quite a few things in life. There are many good qualities about my mom. I recognize that. I will acknowledge that. But, when we spend time together in close quarters I am reminded of all the things she likes to say.

I have begun to call them Momisms.

Momism from this evening: You're not supposed to work out every day. You're supposed to give your muscles a break.

Yes, true, I worked mostly arms today so my run tomorrow should be fine. Heaven forbid I be in shape and can actually do physical activity daily?

Momism from Monday: You and your fiance are old enough and set in your ways enough that you're going to struggle.

Really? Wow. Thanks for that vote of confidence. We rather seem to like each other, know how to discuss things, and often think a like already. Yeah we know it won't all be sunshine and roses, but we will work through them. I like to think we are older, more mature, and ready to be in a marriage because of this, not doomed.

Momism from last week while taking the dog for her morning walk after my run: (I gotta give you the whole conversation...)
Mom: So when you go to Crossfit is there a coach?
Me: Yep, that's how Crossfit works. There is a coach to help you with all the stuff we do and the workout.
Mom: Oh, well when your sister and her husband go they go for a WHOLE HOUR.
Me: Yep, I go 5:30 to 6:30. That's an hour.
Mom: Well, when they go it is NON-STOP for an hour. They are constantly doing something the WHOLE TIME.
Me: Yep, that's Crossfit.

Cause my Crossfit is so much more inferior to the Crossfit my sister (her fave) hasn't done in almost two years?

Momism from last week, the day after the one just listed and on our walk again: (again, you need the convo)
Me: My butt hurts. We did a lot today at Crossfit so walking is a little difficult this morning.
Mom: (something not so memorable)
Me: I made your sister laugh when we were dress shopping. My sister kept picking dresses that were way too small and your sister was the only one paying attention to me. In one of them I told her that at least my butt looked good and flexed it causing her to laugh. Nobody else saw it.
Mom: Well you look like a sausage in the wedding dress you bought too.

Yep. That's my mom. That's one of those things that nobody should ever say to anyone, ESPECIALLY their daughter. This is the one that takes the cake for this visit! Mind you, this is followed a week later by implying that I workout too much. Which is it? Am I fat or do I workout too much? No mention of the 25 lbs I've lost since the last time I saw her. Nope. This is my mom. Yet I will still respect her. I will still be polite, as much as possible, and cook for her and take care of her while she is here. I will still be concerned for her and try to help her out. But at the end of the day when she says something about how I'm not the greatest of daughters (comments have been made implying this in the past) she won't have any actual evidence. I will NOT give her the evidence of making her feel like she makes me feel with her comments. I cannot control her or her actions, but I can control mine.

Now, most think this would make me feel bad. I've learned not to listen to my mom. It has actually become a joke. I told someone about it and they said if I was a sausage then I must be a turkey sausage. I came back with "cause I'm so lean." So now I have a wedding dress which makes me a "lean turkey sausage."

What does upset me? Well, the fact that I lost my best friend when I pissed her off standing up for myself when I told her I too have issues with my body and don't like it. The ONE person who is ALWAYS supposed to have your back told me that I look like a sausage in my wedding dress. A dress Mom only saw a picture of me in, a dress she told me she didn't even want to see while she is here, and a dress that I LOVE and feel amazing in because I know I look amazing in it.

I know without a doubt I do NOT look like a sausage. Not even remotely. I don't even think I have the weird side boob/fat arm pits in this dress. I know I work hard to be where I am today in my fitness journey and to keep it going. I know that Mom can take her comment about not needing to worry about shrinking out of my clothes because I'm apparently going to get pregnant and gain it all right back and shove it. I'm changing my life for me and my future. I'm not losing weight for the wedding, I'm losing weight because it is healthier for me, helps me feel better, and I just like being active. This is a lifestyle change I'm working on and not a short term fix.

Spring? *updated*

It is hard to remember that it is still winter. We are in the "Spring Semester" and the weather is wonderful! I'm sure it will change again shortly but for now it is hard to remember that it isn't officially spring. Now, the spring semester is when I seem to get the busiest. Weekends are booked and busy along with evenings and week days. I didn't even look to see when the last time I had a moment to blog was.

I'm still doing alright with the workouts. Minus the illness of last weekend (flu is no fun) I have been going on a semi-regular basis. It is challenging when I'm not home in the mornings or am getting behind on grading and HAVE to get grades updated.

In the diet area I have been slacking. I have gotten in the habit of allowing myself food I shouldn't have once a week. That turned into once a week and anytime I was in a hurry. That turned into anytime I kind of wanted food I shouldn't have. Last weekend I was chaperoning a field trip and rather than packing food I opted to eat the food there and what we bought the kids. I ate WAY too much pizza on Friday night which led to waking up feeling HORRIBLE and puking. It was one of those situations where I didn't want to puke but knew it would make me feel so much better if I did. Then I ended up puking and was asking myself why I hadn't just done that earlier. I regretted eating pizza so much since I was assuming it was just my body rejecting all the gluten and cheese and grease and butter and garlic and... I'm getting an upset stomach just talking about it.

Well, turns out one of the teachers I work with had a kid down with a 24 hour stomach bug. I then determined that must be my issue when I had completely emptied my stomach and was still puking. But, everything tasted like pizza for 24 hours and I am now against pizza. I don't even really want a tomato sauce on anything yet either.

So I decided it was the kick in the pants that I needed. My weight loss has stopped and I know it is the diet. I also haven't been feeling great. I haven't been liking my job. I have noticed a lot going downhill in my attitude so it is time to get back on track. I know food leads to a lot of this. Also, my dog has been diagnosed with diabetes so in researching that more I have been reflecting on my own diet and blood sugar fluctuations. I want so much to get back to being fat adapted! So, March 1st I started a Whole 30. Three days have been good so far and I have some food plans for this week laid out. Already I have dropped about 6 lbs. Inches are about the same, but I have dropped some weight.

Then I got curious when I was looking back at how much I weighed and decided to pull up the original picture from when I started Crossfit. I found it was the end of March (I thought it was the beginning) when I started Crossfit and took some new pictures. I see some changes but nothing that dramatic. I'm still really proud of myself and what I've accomplished. The fact that I can do some of the workouts without feeling like I'm going to die is a great feeling! Also, I'm working towards a 10k distance and it is a good feeling to be able to get on a treadmill and do a walk/run training program and complete almost 3 miles in my last 5k time. And that includes walking!!!

**Update**
After posting this I went on about what I was doing and stumbled upon a post that led me to ask a friend about the former friend who I am no longer friends with. She is going through a very exciting time in her life and I had mixed feelings. I'm sad that I'm not there to experience it all with her. I thought about sending her a message but I have thought about this in the past and don't want to open that can of worms. I thought about sending her a card just to let her know that I'm excited for her but again, I don't want to open that can of worms. She could get the card and find it a nice gesture and go on with her life. She could get the card and want to start talking again. She could get the card and it could fire back up all the bad feelings towards me. She could fire up those feelings and lash out. These go from ideal to what I am completely trying to avoid in the first place. So I was having mixed emotions and decided to just wait and see what I feel in a few days. As I closed all my browser windows there were my two pictures I made part of this post.

Suddenly I see a HUGE difference. I see myself as a much happier person. Instead of focusing on where I don't want to be I focus on how close to where I want to be I actually am. I work and change the world daily. I'm planning a wedding to a guy that makes me smile and makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I bought a dress that I LOVE and adore and can't believe I will actually be getting married in. I am counting down the days to when I get to spend every day with my husband. I have stress but it is stress related to MY life. I don't let others stress me out as much. Even listening to the people I used to work with I realize all we ever did was complain and now I am WAY more positive and choose to focus on the positives.

THIS I don't ever want to give up. This, sadly, I think is all directly related to losing someone I called my best friend. I always tried my hardest to help her be happy and at the same time I lost my own happiness. As I said then and still say, losing her as a friend isn't about her, it is all about me. It has been too long since I have actually focused on me and worked more on becoming who I want to be rather than trying to be the one who helps everyone else.

I found that I had saved this picture while looking for my "before" photo and I think it says it all.

Now I see someone in the current picture who is figuring out how to swim on the surface again. THAT is why I started Crossfit and working on myself. THAT is why I gave up the friend I was closest to in the whole world. THAT is why I continue this journey. It isn't about weight or numbers or looks, it is about how I feel. Always has been, always will be.... be about me.

Some Thoughts

A lot has been going through my head lately and I wanted to share it all! :) But I will try to pace myself...

I ran a 5k this weekend! Sunday morning was the Hot Chocolate 5k in Downtown Denver. It was a great morning and after a week of not working out (minus Monday) it was wonderful to get some exercise. I managed to run the whole thing!!!! That's right... I ran the whole thing after being sick and not doing any exercise for about three weeks. My average pace was around 11 minute miles. 36:57 was my time according to my timing chip. I'm getting better without even running!

But, I still am missing working out. So, this month a facebook friend is having a 21/90 day group of ladies to encourage each other to keep on track with a goal. It has to do with the idea of taking 21 days to make a habit and 90 days until New Years. My goal is to get back to Crossfit 3 days a week. It seems if I get back into that habit then the other two days a week of exercise falls in place and I'm up to 5 days a week. It is also easier to keep the diet in check when working out on a regular basis. Sleep and schedules are usually easier for me to deal with too. So today, after a 5k yesterday, I woke up early and made it to the gym. :) Tomorrow walking may be an interesting task.

Diet... So I have discovered some things about diet. First, did you all know that butternut squash is really delicious? AND easy to make? I grilled some up this weekend and it was so tasty. I went and got three more from the store because they are on sale 2 lbs for $1. Chobani flips are also delicious. They make a pumpkin pie one that I would eat all day long if I could. Today I had the PB&J one that is also delicious. Yogurt and I are having a love affair right now. My goal is to cut out sugars again... I did it for the two weeks before so I know I can do it again... but for right now I'm good with no sweets and eating sugars in my food within reason.

Now I am so sleepy I could probably go crawl in bed for the night and be fine. Part of me is tempted to and just wake up extra early to get school stuff done. I could get up at the gym time and ride my bike to school tomorrow. Then I could go to bed now and be fine. I always bring home work to work on and never get around to doing any of it. My brain shuts down early in the evenings and nothing ever happens. This is why I workout in the mornings.

So far I'm in a much better mood than I have been and worked out today. :)

The Thigh Gap Myth and other stories

We often see photos of girls with a gap between their thighs. They even make thigh gap jewelry?! WTF is that!? Anyway I was excited because while I was admiring my legs the other day (I do this often as I really like the way they are looking!) and noticed I have less fat on my upper thighs where they rub. Then I realized I'm so close to getting rid of the extra jiggle where the thigh gap should be and maybe, just MAYBE, I might end up with a gap between my thighs. You can only imagine my excitement. This is a big deal! I don't know if I ever had a gap between my thighs except when I stand with my feet apart.

So the beginning of September started and I got to fill out my measurement page in my food/workout journal. It has mostly just been a workout log book but hey, it is something. So I am pumped to take my measurements and compare them to before! I'm fitting the waist of my pants better (thighs not so much as the quads are getting pretty ripped) and feel better and I'm so excited to see what changes are happening with the numbers.

First, the scale. I've lost some pounds and am excited to officially record my losses. I'm down 6.2 lbs! Woot! These inches must be good with a loss like that and the progress I'm seeing. Next the chest relaxed and expanded. I measure through my arm pits and above my breast. My hope is to monitor the side boob and my pecks. Turns out... both measurements have no change.
Waist (smallest part), no change. Not sure how I'm fitting pants better...
Stomach (belly button), no change.
Hips (across hip bones), down 1.25"!!!! CELEBRATE!
Neck, UP 0.5"... ok, ok... we are building muscle
Shoulders, UP 1"... slow down on the muscle building but I do like the way my deltoids are looking...
Right arm upper relaxed and flexed, no change.
Left arm is down 0.5" relaxed and down 0.75" flexed... I double checked.
Right forearm flexed and relaxed, no change.
Left forearm flexed and relaxed, DOWN 0.25".... thought I was building muscle?
Right thigh, no change
Left thigh, no change
calves, yeah, they haven't changed measurements either...

So now I'm realizing that this thigh gap thing is a myth. At least it is for me. Also apparently all my 6.2 lbs came from my hips and my left forearm.... After taking all the measurements I re-realized something... It isn't about the numbers. It isn't about the pounds I lose or the inches that seem to never change. Instead it is about how you feel. I'm loving working out. I debate about going twice a day. Exercise helps me control food cravings (this past weekend was BAD on food choices) and overall just be better. I can see things changing on my body. More definition is happening in my arms. My thighs are less jiggly at the top. Side boob is getting more firm. The fact that I feel better overall, am convincing myself to wake up early, get up, and work out just because I REALLY want to do that day's workout... THESE are the reasons to be excited. I'm FINALLY understanding how people can workout everyday and enjoy it. I understand why runners can run and keep doing it day after day. It is about how it makes you feel, not always what it does for the numbers.

But also, as a scientist kind of person, it is driving me crazy that the numbers aren't showing the changes I know are happening. Dumb data.

In other news I started a relay team (and am on it) for the Colfax Marathon in Denver. It is in May and a group from school is going to run the relay. Originally I said I wanted the flat 3.? miles to be my part. There is another 3.? mile piece and then some 6.? mile pieces. Now I'm kind of interested in pushing myself to be able to run 6 miles.

First I need to make sure I stay healthy. Kids are dropping like flies at school due to illness. Last Thursday I felt so bad that I convinced myself to eat out and call it a night because cooking wasn't an option. Instead of a burger and fried that originally sounded good and could be purchased from the car window, I decided some good soup would be better. So I picked up some chicken soup from the grocery store that was out of my way. I also took Friday off to let my body recover a little. So glad I did because I felt a bunch better by the end of the day on Friday. By Tuesday I was itching for some exercise though...