Spring? *updated*

It is hard to remember that it is still winter. We are in the "Spring Semester" and the weather is wonderful! I'm sure it will change again shortly but for now it is hard to remember that it isn't officially spring. Now, the spring semester is when I seem to get the busiest. Weekends are booked and busy along with evenings and week days. I didn't even look to see when the last time I had a moment to blog was.

I'm still doing alright with the workouts. Minus the illness of last weekend (flu is no fun) I have been going on a semi-regular basis. It is challenging when I'm not home in the mornings or am getting behind on grading and HAVE to get grades updated.

In the diet area I have been slacking. I have gotten in the habit of allowing myself food I shouldn't have once a week. That turned into once a week and anytime I was in a hurry. That turned into anytime I kind of wanted food I shouldn't have. Last weekend I was chaperoning a field trip and rather than packing food I opted to eat the food there and what we bought the kids. I ate WAY too much pizza on Friday night which led to waking up feeling HORRIBLE and puking. It was one of those situations where I didn't want to puke but knew it would make me feel so much better if I did. Then I ended up puking and was asking myself why I hadn't just done that earlier. I regretted eating pizza so much since I was assuming it was just my body rejecting all the gluten and cheese and grease and butter and garlic and... I'm getting an upset stomach just talking about it.

Well, turns out one of the teachers I work with had a kid down with a 24 hour stomach bug. I then determined that must be my issue when I had completely emptied my stomach and was still puking. But, everything tasted like pizza for 24 hours and I am now against pizza. I don't even really want a tomato sauce on anything yet either.

So I decided it was the kick in the pants that I needed. My weight loss has stopped and I know it is the diet. I also haven't been feeling great. I haven't been liking my job. I have noticed a lot going downhill in my attitude so it is time to get back on track. I know food leads to a lot of this. Also, my dog has been diagnosed with diabetes so in researching that more I have been reflecting on my own diet and blood sugar fluctuations. I want so much to get back to being fat adapted! So, March 1st I started a Whole 30. Three days have been good so far and I have some food plans for this week laid out. Already I have dropped about 6 lbs. Inches are about the same, but I have dropped some weight.

Then I got curious when I was looking back at how much I weighed and decided to pull up the original picture from when I started Crossfit. I found it was the end of March (I thought it was the beginning) when I started Crossfit and took some new pictures. I see some changes but nothing that dramatic. I'm still really proud of myself and what I've accomplished. The fact that I can do some of the workouts without feeling like I'm going to die is a great feeling! Also, I'm working towards a 10k distance and it is a good feeling to be able to get on a treadmill and do a walk/run training program and complete almost 3 miles in my last 5k time. And that includes walking!!!

**Update**
After posting this I went on about what I was doing and stumbled upon a post that led me to ask a friend about the former friend who I am no longer friends with. She is going through a very exciting time in her life and I had mixed feelings. I'm sad that I'm not there to experience it all with her. I thought about sending her a message but I have thought about this in the past and don't want to open that can of worms. I thought about sending her a card just to let her know that I'm excited for her but again, I don't want to open that can of worms. She could get the card and find it a nice gesture and go on with her life. She could get the card and want to start talking again. She could get the card and it could fire back up all the bad feelings towards me. She could fire up those feelings and lash out. These go from ideal to what I am completely trying to avoid in the first place. So I was having mixed emotions and decided to just wait and see what I feel in a few days. As I closed all my browser windows there were my two pictures I made part of this post.

Suddenly I see a HUGE difference. I see myself as a much happier person. Instead of focusing on where I don't want to be I focus on how close to where I want to be I actually am. I work and change the world daily. I'm planning a wedding to a guy that makes me smile and makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I bought a dress that I LOVE and adore and can't believe I will actually be getting married in. I am counting down the days to when I get to spend every day with my husband. I have stress but it is stress related to MY life. I don't let others stress me out as much. Even listening to the people I used to work with I realize all we ever did was complain and now I am WAY more positive and choose to focus on the positives.

THIS I don't ever want to give up. This, sadly, I think is all directly related to losing someone I called my best friend. I always tried my hardest to help her be happy and at the same time I lost my own happiness. As I said then and still say, losing her as a friend isn't about her, it is all about me. It has been too long since I have actually focused on me and worked more on becoming who I want to be rather than trying to be the one who helps everyone else.

I found that I had saved this picture while looking for my "before" photo and I think it says it all.

Now I see someone in the current picture who is figuring out how to swim on the surface again. THAT is why I started Crossfit and working on myself. THAT is why I gave up the friend I was closest to in the whole world. THAT is why I continue this journey. It isn't about weight or numbers or looks, it is about how I feel. Always has been, always will be.... be about me.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Last week I set the goal of eating all Whole30 or at least Paleo to help kick the sugar issues that I have and to get back on track. This has sort of been my whole goal since Halloween time but last week I said it was going to happen! Two weeks till Thanksgiving break, a trip, a turkey, and all the overeating that goes with the above. So, two weeks to reset and make better choices to hopefully help curb all the bad habits over break.

Well, last week was a horrible week when examined up close but when I step back it was actually a great week. Up close it included some late nights at school to get grading and other things taken care of, some crazy time where kids were building constantly on their projects, an election that has led to the worry of a possible pay cuts (definitely not getting raises next year) based on not passing some school funding items, and some really stressful times. But, when I step back I see a week where kids were able to create unexplainable project pieces, rock a presentation to their parents, cook some great food for teachers, and overall show that they are great and why I do what I do.

That being said I was invited to Pizza and Punch by students in the FACS class. I was ecstatic because all of last year I never received an invite for their days to cook for teachers and this year I was invited right away! How can you turn down a chance to sit with students who want you to be there and eat some delicious pizza? It was amazing! Just... it wasn't paleo...

Then Thursday came along. I was tired, had cramps, a to do list a mile long, and just wanted to curl up and go back to bed. Instead I had to be at school, had to get a video made, round up photos, organize some stuff, and put on a happy face until 8pm while students showed off their projects. So, when the math teacher walked in with donuts I may have eaten one... or four... throughout the day. Then, for dinner the other teachers who ran to the store to get sides for our pulled pork brought back cheesecake and berries. How could I resist?! It was a rough, emotional day. Friday I may have helped finish off more cheesecake even though I'm not proud of it.

So, I had some wins in that I kept the cravings down until the end of the week. I even went to the candy drawer, dug through it, and none of the candy sounded good so I closed it and walked away. But I did give in at the end of the week big time!

This week is a new week and everyday is a new day. Today I saw 169 on the scale for the second time in a week. That is a HUGE win!!! I will take it and use it as incentive to keep going. :)

So today I was better at getting my workout in, drinking more water, and avoiding the last of the cheesecake along with other things I shouldn't eat.

Something that's been bothering me...

So, it is "that" week. Girls know the one I'm talking about.... For me that means thinking about EVERYTHING and mulling over it a million times. Often I go back to the day I couldn't handle the girl I called my best friend. (Mind you she always called someone else her best friend but was sure to let me know that I was a better friend than the other girl was most days.)

See... this is what happens... stupid side tangents...

On that day she mentioned how people look at her and are disgusted by her weight/looks. About how people make comments about how fat and ugly she is. How a kid drove by 9 years ago and yelled at her something about Jenny Craig. How I don't know what it is like to have people make comments because they don't like my body. (disclaimer: this is my brain this week, it could have changed the actual events)

So I've been pondering about it and I have realized something... I do know. It has happened to me. As a matter of fact it happened from her. And then came this realization...

You don't have to be fat for people to think you look disgusting.

I have honestly never thought I was "fat." I've never claimed that. There have been times where I think I could lose a few pounds. When I would feel better if I was in better shape. All that... But I've never thought I've been fat. (My BMI says otherwise, I think it uses the term "obese")

Looking back she had always made comments about how I didn't need to lose weight. How I looked amazing. I was even too skinny at one point. (I was pretty darn skinny Freshman year of high school) Most of these were comments made in support. In the last year of our friendship though I feel like some became less supportive. (Again, it could all be in my brain) Then I got to thinking about it and see people all the time make comments, smiling, and then turn around and drop the smile to be envious. They honestly find it disgusting that you aren't fat. That you just look good and think it comes so easy to you. They judge you for how you look and blame you for judging them even if you don't.

Have I ever looked at a picture and said, "Woah, she/he got big?" Yeah. I can't lie and say I haven't. Except for one person (an ex) I have NEVER said it because they look disgusting. It is more of a comment of shock because the person I knew, the person I thought they were, valued their self more.  I don't think people gain weight because they don't value their self, there are always other factors that play a role. I think what becomes more apparent is how uncomfortable they look like they feel being in the picture and you can see that they don't look at their whole self the same or value it the same anymore. It is more of a shock to see their confidence gone. THAT is what makes me sad and disgusted.

Then I look back and all the times I felt remarks were made about my weight or how good I look in a judging manner was when I was feeling most confident about myself. (Negative comments were made at times when I wasn't feeing great about being me.. unless it is coming from my mom and that's just how my mother is) Anyone who knows me quickly learns that I'm a pretty confident and independent person. That's just me and how I've had to be in life. I don't let many visibly bring me down. (They do, I just normally don't let it show. Or try not to.) So then I have to reevaluate... do these girls make comments in a negative manner about my looks because they are disgusted by them or do they make the comments because I am so confident about myself? Do others make comments about those they see as disgusting, for whatever reason, because they envy the confidence level of that person?

Self reflection and people watching, especially as a teacher, has led me to know that people will often turn things on others and blame others for issues. Kid gets a bad grade and feels bad about it, turns on the kid who got the A and tries to make sure they feel bad about that A too. Someone in an unhappy relationship tries to make others feel bad about their healthy relationship or at least question it. We do it all the time! "Oh, you're going to the beach on vacation?! Oh, well I heard about the jellyfish/weather/sharks/bugs/area/people/etc. were bad there." We try to steal their happiness to make up for our own lack of happiness. I'm guilty of it too! The first step is admitting you have a problem!

So, here is what I have been working on... building people up. Let's stop tearing people down. Let's stop judging. Let's allow people to be open and honest and not interfere with their feelings. If you see or think of something positive to say, say it! If they are upset help them out. Lift them up. Don't thrive off their misery. And if they are happy and excited and joyous? Do NOT take that away from them! Don't ruin their confidence/happiness/excitement just to make yourself feel better. Don't do it. If you can't be happy for them then figure out what in your life is preventing you from being happy for them and either do something to change it or accept it as it is and move on. It may not happen over night, but get over it!

I've slowly been working on this and I have to say, (minus this week) I have been a happier person overall. Try it. Try to see things from a different perspective and not judging people. That includes the car that cut you off, the person who takes forever ringing up your groceries (PAINFULLY slow just so you know... and was upsetting to stand in line forever to get the slowest cashier and it could have ruined my day but instead I wondered if she HAD to be working and that was the job she could do. She was older  maybe stocking or something else wouldn't work out. Then instead of anger and frustration at her I was upset with the situation and felt bad for her and hope she is accomplishing what she needs to.), the student who acts like a jerk sometimes, everyone who upsets us in some way or even causes us to be jealous of something... stop. Be happy.

Plan, meet Wrench

So, huge wrench was thrown in all sorts of plans last week... Let me begin with the good first. :)

Wednesday I went on a hike. A BEAUTIFUL hike. It has been one year since the bf and I became pretty much inseparable so we decided to both take off work and go on a hike we were going to do almost a year ago but hadn't gotten to yet. It was only 1.2 miles but in that you gain 1,000 ft. It was some steep trail and not the easiest at times.

Hanging Lake, CO

The water was SO CLEAR!!!

Changing Leaves of CO

Then I brag... cause I didn't really ever get winded! I felt leg day from the Friday and Monday before, but I could easily stop for maybe 30 seconds and be fine to go again! I also could still walk at the end of the day, and even the next. #winning

That evening the bf came with me to ASL class and was bored out of his mind but has suddenly started teaching me way more signs! I like it. We ended the evening at the Cheesecake Factory where I ate my weight in food and then we shared a piece of cheesecake and took one to go for the weekend. Overall it was a great day and I loved every minute of it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Then comes #fail... nothing like taking a sick day only to wake up sick the next day.

Yep, Thursday I started to get sick. Friday was worse. Saturday was the peak of all that is horrible. Sore throat, stuffy nose, pressure everywhere, upset stomach from drainage, all of it... Sunday I began to feel a little better but it was now all in the sinus areas and trying to choke me. Luckily I have an awesome bf who let me lay in his relining couch spot all weekend and waited on me hand and foot. He even came to cuddle with me when I asked him to so I could sleep. It seemed the only way I slept during the day was if he was holding me. He let me watch whatever I wanted on tv and never complained and cooked all sorts of good food for me even though I couldn't taste it. I think he is a keeper!

Then comes today.

Today was rough. I felt better but it was a day where struggling to breathe and talk gives you a headache. As I was going through the lesson ideas I had for today I was dreading doing notes with the kids because that meant I would have to talk all day long. So instead I gave them a day to do the homework I would normally assign and give them 3 days for because it is kind of long. Then I was touched... kids really do have a heart and worked without issues on the assignment the entire hour. It was awesome and makes my heart happy. Then I left knowing I could come home and rest and be lazy.

THEN... I checked my email to find a student with high anxiety and over planned freaking out. Checked out some info and think it might be more than my class so replied to her about that. Then sent a note to the team as a heads up. Then went to deposit some checks and found that the last one I deposited didn't go through? Ugh. So sent the bank a message. No clue what I did with the check either. Oops. Checked the time as my internet was slowing and saw it was after 7... I REALLY need to call and complain about paying almost $50 for 1.5 Mbps internet. This is NOT ok... give me a promo rate again or I'm switching to a provider advertising 25 Mbps for $50. BIG difference there. But alas, it was too late to call. Which also means it is too late to call the other bank that I need to call and too late to call and cancel the milk man order because $11 for a gallon of OJ and a dozen eggs in a month is a little high. I don't use it enough anymore to justify it.

AND... to top it all off, I want to go work out. I miss it. And I'm doing so great at it! And I have a 5k in two weeks. And yet I can't even seem to walk a flight of stairs without feeling like I need a nap and fill tissues with snot all day long. Maybe I will take the pup on a walk in the morning if I'm feeling up to it before I go to school? I need to do something but I get so exhausted so easily.

And then there is the diet part... Yeah... not too proud to say my dinner tonight consisted of a bag of potato chips. But, I'm also at a place where I'm kind of thinking eating any food is better than nothing which is what I'm actually hungry for. I know I need to eat so I do force myself to... I just can't seem to force myself to cook or plan a meal.

So today I'm doing better on the illness front than yesterday and gaining my strength back one day at a time... but this is all a big wrench in the plan on keeping on track.