Things you just shouldn't say. Period.

My mom came to visit.

A long time ago, like 5 years ago, I learned that no matter what I'll never make my mom happy. Mom will always have something to say. She will be disappointed. I will be a horrible daughter some how. I can't control that. I can't control her and how she treats me. What I can control is me, how I treat her, and living far away from her so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect my mom. She has done a lot. She has taught me quite a few things in life. There are many good qualities about my mom. I recognize that. I will acknowledge that. But, when we spend time together in close quarters I am reminded of all the things she likes to say.

I have begun to call them Momisms.

Momism from this evening: You're not supposed to work out every day. You're supposed to give your muscles a break.

Yes, true, I worked mostly arms today so my run tomorrow should be fine. Heaven forbid I be in shape and can actually do physical activity daily?

Momism from Monday: You and your fiance are old enough and set in your ways enough that you're going to struggle.

Really? Wow. Thanks for that vote of confidence. We rather seem to like each other, know how to discuss things, and often think a like already. Yeah we know it won't all be sunshine and roses, but we will work through them. I like to think we are older, more mature, and ready to be in a marriage because of this, not doomed.

Momism from last week while taking the dog for her morning walk after my run: (I gotta give you the whole conversation...)
Mom: So when you go to Crossfit is there a coach?
Me: Yep, that's how Crossfit works. There is a coach to help you with all the stuff we do and the workout.
Mom: Oh, well when your sister and her husband go they go for a WHOLE HOUR.
Me: Yep, I go 5:30 to 6:30. That's an hour.
Mom: Well, when they go it is NON-STOP for an hour. They are constantly doing something the WHOLE TIME.
Me: Yep, that's Crossfit.

Cause my Crossfit is so much more inferior to the Crossfit my sister (her fave) hasn't done in almost two years?

Momism from last week, the day after the one just listed and on our walk again: (again, you need the convo)
Me: My butt hurts. We did a lot today at Crossfit so walking is a little difficult this morning.
Mom: (something not so memorable)
Me: I made your sister laugh when we were dress shopping. My sister kept picking dresses that were way too small and your sister was the only one paying attention to me. In one of them I told her that at least my butt looked good and flexed it causing her to laugh. Nobody else saw it.
Mom: Well you look like a sausage in the wedding dress you bought too.

Yep. That's my mom. That's one of those things that nobody should ever say to anyone, ESPECIALLY their daughter. This is the one that takes the cake for this visit! Mind you, this is followed a week later by implying that I workout too much. Which is it? Am I fat or do I workout too much? No mention of the 25 lbs I've lost since the last time I saw her. Nope. This is my mom. Yet I will still respect her. I will still be polite, as much as possible, and cook for her and take care of her while she is here. I will still be concerned for her and try to help her out. But at the end of the day when she says something about how I'm not the greatest of daughters (comments have been made implying this in the past) she won't have any actual evidence. I will NOT give her the evidence of making her feel like she makes me feel with her comments. I cannot control her or her actions, but I can control mine.

Now, most think this would make me feel bad. I've learned not to listen to my mom. It has actually become a joke. I told someone about it and they said if I was a sausage then I must be a turkey sausage. I came back with "cause I'm so lean." So now I have a wedding dress which makes me a "lean turkey sausage."

What does upset me? Well, the fact that I lost my best friend when I pissed her off standing up for myself when I told her I too have issues with my body and don't like it. The ONE person who is ALWAYS supposed to have your back told me that I look like a sausage in my wedding dress. A dress Mom only saw a picture of me in, a dress she told me she didn't even want to see while she is here, and a dress that I LOVE and feel amazing in because I know I look amazing in it.

I know without a doubt I do NOT look like a sausage. Not even remotely. I don't even think I have the weird side boob/fat arm pits in this dress. I know I work hard to be where I am today in my fitness journey and to keep it going. I know that Mom can take her comment about not needing to worry about shrinking out of my clothes because I'm apparently going to get pregnant and gain it all right back and shove it. I'm changing my life for me and my future. I'm not losing weight for the wedding, I'm losing weight because it is healthier for me, helps me feel better, and I just like being active. This is a lifestyle change I'm working on and not a short term fix.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Last week I set the goal of eating all Whole30 or at least Paleo to help kick the sugar issues that I have and to get back on track. This has sort of been my whole goal since Halloween time but last week I said it was going to happen! Two weeks till Thanksgiving break, a trip, a turkey, and all the overeating that goes with the above. So, two weeks to reset and make better choices to hopefully help curb all the bad habits over break.

Well, last week was a horrible week when examined up close but when I step back it was actually a great week. Up close it included some late nights at school to get grading and other things taken care of, some crazy time where kids were building constantly on their projects, an election that has led to the worry of a possible pay cuts (definitely not getting raises next year) based on not passing some school funding items, and some really stressful times. But, when I step back I see a week where kids were able to create unexplainable project pieces, rock a presentation to their parents, cook some great food for teachers, and overall show that they are great and why I do what I do.

That being said I was invited to Pizza and Punch by students in the FACS class. I was ecstatic because all of last year I never received an invite for their days to cook for teachers and this year I was invited right away! How can you turn down a chance to sit with students who want you to be there and eat some delicious pizza? It was amazing! Just... it wasn't paleo...

Then Thursday came along. I was tired, had cramps, a to do list a mile long, and just wanted to curl up and go back to bed. Instead I had to be at school, had to get a video made, round up photos, organize some stuff, and put on a happy face until 8pm while students showed off their projects. So, when the math teacher walked in with donuts I may have eaten one... or four... throughout the day. Then, for dinner the other teachers who ran to the store to get sides for our pulled pork brought back cheesecake and berries. How could I resist?! It was a rough, emotional day. Friday I may have helped finish off more cheesecake even though I'm not proud of it.

So, I had some wins in that I kept the cravings down until the end of the week. I even went to the candy drawer, dug through it, and none of the candy sounded good so I closed it and walked away. But I did give in at the end of the week big time!

This week is a new week and everyday is a new day. Today I saw 169 on the scale for the second time in a week. That is a HUGE win!!! I will take it and use it as incentive to keep going. :)

So today I was better at getting my workout in, drinking more water, and avoiding the last of the cheesecake along with other things I shouldn't eat.

Something that's been bothering me...

So, it is "that" week. Girls know the one I'm talking about.... For me that means thinking about EVERYTHING and mulling over it a million times. Often I go back to the day I couldn't handle the girl I called my best friend. (Mind you she always called someone else her best friend but was sure to let me know that I was a better friend than the other girl was most days.)

See... this is what happens... stupid side tangents...

On that day she mentioned how people look at her and are disgusted by her weight/looks. About how people make comments about how fat and ugly she is. How a kid drove by 9 years ago and yelled at her something about Jenny Craig. How I don't know what it is like to have people make comments because they don't like my body. (disclaimer: this is my brain this week, it could have changed the actual events)

So I've been pondering about it and I have realized something... I do know. It has happened to me. As a matter of fact it happened from her. And then came this realization...

You don't have to be fat for people to think you look disgusting.

I have honestly never thought I was "fat." I've never claimed that. There have been times where I think I could lose a few pounds. When I would feel better if I was in better shape. All that... But I've never thought I've been fat. (My BMI says otherwise, I think it uses the term "obese")

Looking back she had always made comments about how I didn't need to lose weight. How I looked amazing. I was even too skinny at one point. (I was pretty darn skinny Freshman year of high school) Most of these were comments made in support. In the last year of our friendship though I feel like some became less supportive. (Again, it could all be in my brain) Then I got to thinking about it and see people all the time make comments, smiling, and then turn around and drop the smile to be envious. They honestly find it disgusting that you aren't fat. That you just look good and think it comes so easy to you. They judge you for how you look and blame you for judging them even if you don't.

Have I ever looked at a picture and said, "Woah, she/he got big?" Yeah. I can't lie and say I haven't. Except for one person (an ex) I have NEVER said it because they look disgusting. It is more of a comment of shock because the person I knew, the person I thought they were, valued their self more.  I don't think people gain weight because they don't value their self, there are always other factors that play a role. I think what becomes more apparent is how uncomfortable they look like they feel being in the picture and you can see that they don't look at their whole self the same or value it the same anymore. It is more of a shock to see their confidence gone. THAT is what makes me sad and disgusted.

Then I look back and all the times I felt remarks were made about my weight or how good I look in a judging manner was when I was feeling most confident about myself. (Negative comments were made at times when I wasn't feeing great about being me.. unless it is coming from my mom and that's just how my mother is) Anyone who knows me quickly learns that I'm a pretty confident and independent person. That's just me and how I've had to be in life. I don't let many visibly bring me down. (They do, I just normally don't let it show. Or try not to.) So then I have to reevaluate... do these girls make comments in a negative manner about my looks because they are disgusted by them or do they make the comments because I am so confident about myself? Do others make comments about those they see as disgusting, for whatever reason, because they envy the confidence level of that person?

Self reflection and people watching, especially as a teacher, has led me to know that people will often turn things on others and blame others for issues. Kid gets a bad grade and feels bad about it, turns on the kid who got the A and tries to make sure they feel bad about that A too. Someone in an unhappy relationship tries to make others feel bad about their healthy relationship or at least question it. We do it all the time! "Oh, you're going to the beach on vacation?! Oh, well I heard about the jellyfish/weather/sharks/bugs/area/people/etc. were bad there." We try to steal their happiness to make up for our own lack of happiness. I'm guilty of it too! The first step is admitting you have a problem!

So, here is what I have been working on... building people up. Let's stop tearing people down. Let's stop judging. Let's allow people to be open and honest and not interfere with their feelings. If you see or think of something positive to say, say it! If they are upset help them out. Lift them up. Don't thrive off their misery. And if they are happy and excited and joyous? Do NOT take that away from them! Don't ruin their confidence/happiness/excitement just to make yourself feel better. Don't do it. If you can't be happy for them then figure out what in your life is preventing you from being happy for them and either do something to change it or accept it as it is and move on. It may not happen over night, but get over it!

I've slowly been working on this and I have to say, (minus this week) I have been a happier person overall. Try it. Try to see things from a different perspective and not judging people. That includes the car that cut you off, the person who takes forever ringing up your groceries (PAINFULLY slow just so you know... and was upsetting to stand in line forever to get the slowest cashier and it could have ruined my day but instead I wondered if she HAD to be working and that was the job she could do. She was older  maybe stocking or something else wouldn't work out. Then instead of anger and frustration at her I was upset with the situation and felt bad for her and hope she is accomplishing what she needs to.), the student who acts like a jerk sometimes, everyone who upsets us in some way or even causes us to be jealous of something... stop. Be happy.

More Losses!

So first I have to get off my chest that I am not happy about school today. It is yet another team meeting day and yet again what we said as teachers is being twisted around into something we would never say. On top of that I have a tough class. In the class I have 4 boys who are down right disrespectful but in a way that you can't pinpoint. They do things like laugh when I turn to write on the board and say nothing when you ask them what they are laughing at. They constantly have a response to EVERYTHING! It could be a comment to something said. I could be a comment (generally an echo from 3-4 of them) when I get on to one of them for something. It can be continuously tapping pencils on the table even after being told to stop. And every time I get on to them for it they just love it and build off of it. I've tried the ignore it tactic, it gets worse. I've tried the 3 strikes you're out system and it works to a point but there is a fine line as to what is worthy of a strike and what isn't. That's the hardest part!!! The things they do aren't really things to write them up for. I can't put on a slip that the kid was laughing in class so they should have detention. I can't say the kid shouldn't respond with "yes Ms. B" when I ask them to stop tapping their pencil. But it is in the way they do it. Ugh... I dread the class and yet the same kids have the greatest potential to be my favorite class. They just seem like they have something to prove and I'm not sure to who.

Anyway... some wins! or should I say losses?

First I actually rode my bike to school today! Yay!! It has been awhile. It was a little rough but I did it. That is something that Crossfit doesn't prepare your muscles for in case you were wondering.

Since it is the beginning of October it is time to take some body measurements. :) Since trying to use my food/workout journal I have been limiting myself to only at the beginning of the month can I do body measurements. Weight is different but I've also come to terms with it being more of a number and less of a sign of changes. So today I did my measurements... (insert drumroll)

Gains: +0.5" on flexed upper left arm
No Change: Chest (relaxed and expanded), Neck, Shoulders, Right Upper Arm (flexed/relaxed), and Left Upper Arm (relaxed), Right Upper Thigh

Decreases!!!!
Weight -2.8 lbs
BMI -.44
Waist-hip Ratio -0.01
Waist -1"
Stomach -1.5"
Hips -.75"
Forearms (relaxed/flexed) avg -0.5"
Right Lower Thigh -2"
Left Lower Thigh -1.5"
Left Upper Thigh -.5"
Left/Right Calf -1"

That's right... my calves lost an inch each! Perhaps cute boots are in my future?

Being Sick, Family News, More House Stuff, and a small rant.

Well, a couple weeks ago I decided since I had the flooring already purchased I would see what the sub floor was like in the kitchen and go for it! So I moved the fridge and tore up a bunch of the floor that I hate. I examined the layers of linoleum. Then, I got sick. The original plan was perhaps that weekend to work on the floor and get it done. Should be complete in a weekend right? Well, being sick I decided to go to the bf's house instead and am so glad I did. Nothing is worse than being sick and fighting with the dining room table to get in and out of the fridge. (It is currently in the dining room because I pulled it out of the kitchen to get the floor out) So, this week I decided I'm fixing the issue this weekend because I'm going crazy with my kitchen in construction mode. Thursday the bf came and helped me move the stove into the living room. Now the challenge is how long I can go without a stove...

So, I spent today ripping up all the old flooring and scraping as much glue and paper off the sub floor as I could. Then did some research on my rest breaks... I can't push myself too much because I'm still recovering from being sick over a week later... Found what I needed to do and went off to Lowe's. Nothing like buying a 50 lb bag of floor leveler, special primer, applicators, mixer, bucket, etc. and then find out that it only covers 48 sq ft and you need 72... so back to buy another bag before you begin. Then after you finish everything it turns out one bag was more than enough. Grr... Oh well, I will just return the other bag tomorrow. That will bring my total of flooring supplies to $89 to install the flooring that cost me $40. Still cheaper than it would have been so I'm focusing on that and how pretty it will look.

Thursday I received a text from my sister letting myself and the other sister know that Mom was in the hospital but everything was ok and should be going home Friday. Thanks for letting us know. Oh, yeah, she found out because she just happened to call and it turns out Mom went in to the hospital on Tuesday and nobody let anyone know. Not happy with how my parents seem to spread the word about important things. Mom is ok though and what happened was, as she put it, her colon had a stroke. There was lack of blood supply to her colon and so it caused some inflammation and pain. A quick google search says it is most often related to cholesterol but when I asked mom if they checked hers she said no, her cholesterol pills are working just fine. Wait, what?! My mom is on cholesterol pills? So now tell me how this isn't a family thing since her mom and two of her brothers have had issues with blockages... As soon as this floor thing is taken care of the diet will be put back on track. Seriously...

And for the small rant...

I changed my mind and decided to let it go. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm in a better place and a better person for it so I'm not going to say a word and just let it be.

Plan, meet Wrench

So, huge wrench was thrown in all sorts of plans last week... Let me begin with the good first. :)

Wednesday I went on a hike. A BEAUTIFUL hike. It has been one year since the bf and I became pretty much inseparable so we decided to both take off work and go on a hike we were going to do almost a year ago but hadn't gotten to yet. It was only 1.2 miles but in that you gain 1,000 ft. It was some steep trail and not the easiest at times.

Hanging Lake, CO

The water was SO CLEAR!!!

Changing Leaves of CO

Then I brag... cause I didn't really ever get winded! I felt leg day from the Friday and Monday before, but I could easily stop for maybe 30 seconds and be fine to go again! I also could still walk at the end of the day, and even the next. #winning

That evening the bf came with me to ASL class and was bored out of his mind but has suddenly started teaching me way more signs! I like it. We ended the evening at the Cheesecake Factory where I ate my weight in food and then we shared a piece of cheesecake and took one to go for the weekend. Overall it was a great day and I loved every minute of it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Then comes #fail... nothing like taking a sick day only to wake up sick the next day.

Yep, Thursday I started to get sick. Friday was worse. Saturday was the peak of all that is horrible. Sore throat, stuffy nose, pressure everywhere, upset stomach from drainage, all of it... Sunday I began to feel a little better but it was now all in the sinus areas and trying to choke me. Luckily I have an awesome bf who let me lay in his relining couch spot all weekend and waited on me hand and foot. He even came to cuddle with me when I asked him to so I could sleep. It seemed the only way I slept during the day was if he was holding me. He let me watch whatever I wanted on tv and never complained and cooked all sorts of good food for me even though I couldn't taste it. I think he is a keeper!

Then comes today.

Today was rough. I felt better but it was a day where struggling to breathe and talk gives you a headache. As I was going through the lesson ideas I had for today I was dreading doing notes with the kids because that meant I would have to talk all day long. So instead I gave them a day to do the homework I would normally assign and give them 3 days for because it is kind of long. Then I was touched... kids really do have a heart and worked without issues on the assignment the entire hour. It was awesome and makes my heart happy. Then I left knowing I could come home and rest and be lazy.

THEN... I checked my email to find a student with high anxiety and over planned freaking out. Checked out some info and think it might be more than my class so replied to her about that. Then sent a note to the team as a heads up. Then went to deposit some checks and found that the last one I deposited didn't go through? Ugh. So sent the bank a message. No clue what I did with the check either. Oops. Checked the time as my internet was slowing and saw it was after 7... I REALLY need to call and complain about paying almost $50 for 1.5 Mbps internet. This is NOT ok... give me a promo rate again or I'm switching to a provider advertising 25 Mbps for $50. BIG difference there. But alas, it was too late to call. Which also means it is too late to call the other bank that I need to call and too late to call and cancel the milk man order because $11 for a gallon of OJ and a dozen eggs in a month is a little high. I don't use it enough anymore to justify it.

AND... to top it all off, I want to go work out. I miss it. And I'm doing so great at it! And I have a 5k in two weeks. And yet I can't even seem to walk a flight of stairs without feeling like I need a nap and fill tissues with snot all day long. Maybe I will take the pup on a walk in the morning if I'm feeling up to it before I go to school? I need to do something but I get so exhausted so easily.

And then there is the diet part... Yeah... not too proud to say my dinner tonight consisted of a bag of potato chips. But, I'm also at a place where I'm kind of thinking eating any food is better than nothing which is what I'm actually hungry for. I know I need to eat so I do force myself to... I just can't seem to force myself to cook or plan a meal.

So today I'm doing better on the illness front than yesterday and gaining my strength back one day at a time... but this is all a big wrench in the plan on keeping on track.

Week 3

On my way to CrossFit today, it dawned on me that today was weak three, the beginning. When do I have to stop saying I'm new to Crossfit? Also, go me! This is week THREE!!

So this weekend I noticed my legs are more solid. I've always had pretty solid calves and running recently has helped those. But my thighs and butt are getting less giggly! My muffin top in the back (the part I hate the most) is also getting smaller. But, I still haven't lost much weight. I don't start my days at 180 this week, but I also dont consider 178 much different. Menstrual bloating doesn't help either. My hope is to see a weight change next week. OR, since I'm still gaining muscle, I'd settle for just being able to button my dress pants again! 

Anyway, it is week 3. Last Friday I ended the week with a crazy workout. They call it "Fight Gone Bad" if that tells you anything. We did our run out and back and then a warm up. From there the other pre-workout time where we usually work on skills of some sort, or increasing weight, was spent setting up. It is one minute of each: wall balls, sumo dead lift high pulls, box jumps, push press, row. Rest for two minutes and go again. You count one of everything and thencalories on the rower. I made a total of 179 in the three rounds. I thought the board said 5 rounds and you cannot imagine my excitement when the coach said we were almost done. 

Today's workout was easier yet kicked my lungs in the butt. 3 front squats and 3 burpees. AMRAP. (As many rounds as possible) I managed to do 6+3! (6 rounds with 3 squats) 

Is it a lot? No. Is it more than I could do yesterday? Hell yes! And this weekend I was able to start seeing results. I was excited when I held up my arm and could see slight deltoid definition coming. My thighs giggle less. My butt is more firm. And my brother even said something to the fact that he finds me attractive, but I'm getting more attractive and he's worried what will happen if I stick with it. :)

I'm pumped. I'm tempted to sign up for 6 months since it takes another $25 a month off the fee and I'm liking it. It definitely isn't me or something I would normally do, but I'm liking the fact that I'm gaining upper body strength! Like, I did TWO push-ups (on knees) today! (Face planted my first one there)