Let it Begin!

Posted on public transit on a cell phone... please forgive the errors and typos.

Day 1.
Last week was prep... failed prep... Sometimes it sucks being a girl and I have to say that if you’re going to cut out sugar and deal with the cravings and side effects do NOT choose the week you start your period to begin this change. Also, avoid the week where weather ruins your field trip plans forcing you to reschedule and shuffle all your lessons for two weeks. Especially don’t choose the week where those two are combined. But now I know what I need to help me out so today is Day 1!

No processed sugar. (Except the dark chocolate chips in my trail mix snacks this week.) and workout at least 3 days a week. Ideally include walking or 30 min elliptical or something on the off days. I did the exercise thing last week with success so that seems easier this week. Even went twice in one day! Although the second time was to coach the hubby on how to do stuff.

He wanted to learn how to do some lifts so I said I would teach him a few. I always thought he was strong and although he has endurance (runs and swims distances with ease) he isn’t as strong as I thought. Plus uses the weight machines a lot so he doesn’t have all the fine muscles needed for support as much. I also thought he knew more than he does (or he just wants to learn into the way I teach it?) but oh well. I taught him hang cleans last week. Took a bit but he was getting the hang of them. (No pun intended) Then he did the workout I did in the morning and had to go down in weight (from 20’s to 15’s) and laid on the mat for a bit after. He also finished it in half the time I took! [21-15-9 burpees, dumbbell front squats, push presses) He was still sore last night.

The other day I was discussing cleans with a friend who said “I don’t really see the point of them.” That got me thinking about them and what the purpose was if you always use a weight rack. They build up your traps nicely but otherwise they don’t have a point... until this morning. On the to do list was find the one rep max for a clean and jerk and although I didn’t go for the max but more just practice (55# was tough for multiple sets) I remembered they do have a purpose!

Dude, if you do the entire clean and jerk sequence it is WAY more than just lifting is going to get you.  First, the WHOLE clean itself, including the squat, works practically EVERY muscle in your body. In ONE move! I think to work the same muscles I’d have to do some rows, deadlifts, AND squats. Do you know how long that takes?! I don’t have that kind of time and prefer to be efficient in the time I do have. Then to add a jerk part too? Yeah, I think I’ll stick with cleans when they are called for.

Also, speaking of efficiency... was reading up on HIIT workouts and how you get so much more out of them because you max your system out almost immediately. I have to say that breaking a sweat enough to need a towel while you’re just lifting seems weird when everyone around you looks perfectly dry. And... when I’m laying on my mat after my 10 min workout and it is gross with sweat, I think about how every time something gets hard for those around me they stop and take a rest. THAT used to be me. That is what wasn’t working for me. Maybe it works for them, that’s cool, but for me, I have to kick my own butt and sweat like a pig till I can’t move to get results. Or at least results in a time frame I would like, not waiting for months to see anything. I always felt like I did more in under 20 min with Crossfit  than most do in their whole workout and after watching others at the normal “globo” gym, I think that’s pretty accurate.

I needed that!

Oh man did I need that break!

Spring Break as a week spent puppy sitting, gardening, enjoying the sun and warmth, enjoying the snow, (it is Colorado...) enjoying the grill, food prepping breakfasts (made 11 doz? egg muffins of different sorts), baking all sorts of rye bread experiments, and quality time in pj’s watching nothing on tv! It was a vacation well spent doing as little as possible and that’s what I needed.

Today I started April off to a good start. I decided for now and the next 7 1/2 weeks (I mean who is really keeping track that I only have 36 more student contact days left?! Lol) to set weekly goals and if I accomplish them I earn a star for the day. Not sure what I want to bribe myself with just yet but just giving yourself a star is sometimes enough to drive you!

This week’s stars are earned by 1) limiting myself to one sweet snack a day, 2) getting at least 30 min of dedicated exercise time, and 3) meeting my 8,000 step goal. Seems like 2&3 should go together and that’s ok. Eventually I’ll probably up the steps to 10,000 but for now 8,000 is a good goal.

Today I got my butt out of bed and rolled into the gym locker room at 4:45 in the morning! Going to try to do it again tomorrow to do some treadmill or elliptical for “active recovery” since I also read a few books about exercising and HIIT in particular over break. (Not sure when I became a super reader but I can FLY through books if I’m interested.) Then rose the transit to school. After that I went to do the SAT Prep course and now am on my way home. I should get there about 9:00pm. Sixteen hour day isn’t too bad... one more tomorrow then the prep course is done for the year!

I didn’t get to the gym as much as I wanted to over break but I’m starting these last couple months of school with a good attitude. I can do this! I just need to master the diet and exercise making it a priority and my mood should stay better making everything better. I like being a positive person and I hate it when I backslide into feeling so down.

Today was somewhat better than yesterday

I need to get back to my better than yesterday campaign.

Yesterday sucked. It was one of those days where you just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Only that’s hard to do when you’re stuck on a bus in traffic, your ride has to leave you to get to school, you have to take a bus and then walk over a half mile to arrive to school 15 min late. Good thing they gave first period plan to the other team this year! So that all pretty much set the tone for me feeling horrible and like a burden on everyone.

Today was better. I drove myself to school and had an hour extra in peace to lesson plan up until spring break. That helps put my mind at ease a little more. Students were working too so I was able to get some other things prepped throughout the day. Then worked the SAT prep course again tonight and now it is a long ride back home.

I wanted to get to the gym but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe tomorrow? Except we have stuff to do. Thursday? Oh, wait... on the interview committee till probably 6. Friday? I’ll be stuck in traffic and after a long Thursday I won’t feel like it. I’ll try again next week...

Today I did manage to avoid sugar! Trying to get that going again. May have ate a lot yesterday to try and eat my feelings and then had a big cup of hot chocolate. Today was just some jerky that has sugar in it and some chai tea sweetened with maple syrup. If I can’t do the gym thing then at least I can do the diet part right?

I know I just need to get out of this funk and diet typically helps. That’s the one thing right now I can do something about. One step at a time. Don’t have to be perfect, just better than yesterday.

*types without proofing on the bus and on my cell phone... deal.

A lot on my mind and plate...

So married life is going and is CRAZY busy.
Teaching life is going and is CRAZY busy.
I'm not sure what other life I have right now... or any life in general...

Since September I have been commuting over an hour to work and then back again at the end of the day. Instead of driving I opted for taking a bus to Union Station and then a train to the station nearest school. Usually I just leave my car there during the week so I can drive all over. This means the hubby has to wake up and get me to the bus stop by 6am and pick me up in the evenings. The original idea was that he would drop me off and then go to the gym for a bit so he wouldn't have to go all the way back home. Then when he gets done at work he can just swing by and get me. Let's just say it only works on an ideal scheduled day and my days are not all ideally scheduled.

Work is chaos as any day with 8th graders can be. I also think a lot of it has to do with my lack of caring right now. I just don't have my whole heart in it right now. This seems to be common every year around this time. It is a long haul after testing is done spring break! Testing starts next week and spring break is right after.... just need a break!

I haven't had a chance to get to the gym lately. I haven't been eating the best. I have a poor attitude because of both. The poor attitude makes me want to stress eat more and avoid exercise. This is a vicious cycle and I need to snap out of it! I have so many things I want to do and am excited about yet things just keep getting in the way and filling my time.

Speaking of filling my time... back to the SAT prep course I'm helping to teach so I can get out of here and on the train at a decent time. Thought I'd give an update and let the whole world (of one or two readers) know what is going on and why I am thinking of taking up blogging again but it might come in short, choppy, thoughts of posts.

Things you just shouldn't say. Period.

My mom came to visit.

A long time ago, like 5 years ago, I learned that no matter what I'll never make my mom happy. Mom will always have something to say. She will be disappointed. I will be a horrible daughter some how. I can't control that. I can't control her and how she treats me. What I can control is me, how I treat her, and living far away from her so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect my mom. She has done a lot. She has taught me quite a few things in life. There are many good qualities about my mom. I recognize that. I will acknowledge that. But, when we spend time together in close quarters I am reminded of all the things she likes to say.

I have begun to call them Momisms.

Momism from this evening: You're not supposed to work out every day. You're supposed to give your muscles a break.

Yes, true, I worked mostly arms today so my run tomorrow should be fine. Heaven forbid I be in shape and can actually do physical activity daily?

Momism from Monday: You and your fiance are old enough and set in your ways enough that you're going to struggle.

Really? Wow. Thanks for that vote of confidence. We rather seem to like each other, know how to discuss things, and often think a like already. Yeah we know it won't all be sunshine and roses, but we will work through them. I like to think we are older, more mature, and ready to be in a marriage because of this, not doomed.

Momism from last week while taking the dog for her morning walk after my run: (I gotta give you the whole conversation...)
Mom: So when you go to Crossfit is there a coach?
Me: Yep, that's how Crossfit works. There is a coach to help you with all the stuff we do and the workout.
Mom: Oh, well when your sister and her husband go they go for a WHOLE HOUR.
Me: Yep, I go 5:30 to 6:30. That's an hour.
Mom: Well, when they go it is NON-STOP for an hour. They are constantly doing something the WHOLE TIME.
Me: Yep, that's Crossfit.

Cause my Crossfit is so much more inferior to the Crossfit my sister (her fave) hasn't done in almost two years?

Momism from last week, the day after the one just listed and on our walk again: (again, you need the convo)
Me: My butt hurts. We did a lot today at Crossfit so walking is a little difficult this morning.
Mom: (something not so memorable)
Me: I made your sister laugh when we were dress shopping. My sister kept picking dresses that were way too small and your sister was the only one paying attention to me. In one of them I told her that at least my butt looked good and flexed it causing her to laugh. Nobody else saw it.
Mom: Well you look like a sausage in the wedding dress you bought too.

Yep. That's my mom. That's one of those things that nobody should ever say to anyone, ESPECIALLY their daughter. This is the one that takes the cake for this visit! Mind you, this is followed a week later by implying that I workout too much. Which is it? Am I fat or do I workout too much? No mention of the 25 lbs I've lost since the last time I saw her. Nope. This is my mom. Yet I will still respect her. I will still be polite, as much as possible, and cook for her and take care of her while she is here. I will still be concerned for her and try to help her out. But at the end of the day when she says something about how I'm not the greatest of daughters (comments have been made implying this in the past) she won't have any actual evidence. I will NOT give her the evidence of making her feel like she makes me feel with her comments. I cannot control her or her actions, but I can control mine.

Now, most think this would make me feel bad. I've learned not to listen to my mom. It has actually become a joke. I told someone about it and they said if I was a sausage then I must be a turkey sausage. I came back with "cause I'm so lean." So now I have a wedding dress which makes me a "lean turkey sausage."

What does upset me? Well, the fact that I lost my best friend when I pissed her off standing up for myself when I told her I too have issues with my body and don't like it. The ONE person who is ALWAYS supposed to have your back told me that I look like a sausage in my wedding dress. A dress Mom only saw a picture of me in, a dress she told me she didn't even want to see while she is here, and a dress that I LOVE and feel amazing in because I know I look amazing in it.

I know without a doubt I do NOT look like a sausage. Not even remotely. I don't even think I have the weird side boob/fat arm pits in this dress. I know I work hard to be where I am today in my fitness journey and to keep it going. I know that Mom can take her comment about not needing to worry about shrinking out of my clothes because I'm apparently going to get pregnant and gain it all right back and shove it. I'm changing my life for me and my future. I'm not losing weight for the wedding, I'm losing weight because it is healthier for me, helps me feel better, and I just like being active. This is a lifestyle change I'm working on and not a short term fix.

The Downside of Losing Weight

So everyone thinks losing weight is all happiness right? I mean you feel better, you look better, you feel you look better, you are happier, you're healthier (for most of us, not always is losing weight healthy). Why should anyone be upset about dropping a few pounds?!

Ask my bank account.

So the food isn't as cheap as all the junk I used to eat. I know. PB&J's are cheaper than actually cooking. Eating the amount of meat I have been in the last few weeks isn't cheap, not to mention trying to eat fruits and veggies too. But, I shop when things are on sale and base my meals around that. I buy in larger amounts when there is a good deal and freeze it. I am trying to make extras of stuff to freeze also. For example: ground beef was on sale last week, so was ground turkey, so I made four pounds worth of meatballs and froze them. Now I have quick weeknight meal when I need one. The fiance's vacuum sealer he received from me for Christmas is getting used, that's for sure.

If it isn't the food then what could it be?!

Clothes.

Remember back this summer when I was avoiding buying clothes at all costs? Remember that "friend" who told me it is dumb to not want to buy clothes that fit? Yeah, that was because I wanted to lose the weight and didn't want to spend the money just to shrink out of the new clothes. I don't have money to just flush down the drain like that.

Well, I broke down and purchased some new jeans and dress pants. A couple shirts were also thrown in. Now? Now I can't fit them. The dress pants fall off of me. The stretch denim capris are baggy. The workout pants are loose and fall off!!! I have a pair of dress pants that I found in the closet that needed to be hemmed. I've worn them once... now TOO BIG. Just this morning I found another pair of jeans I forgot I had purchased because they also needed to be hemmed... I'm sure they don't fit anymore either!

Now what do I do?! I need a third job just to pay for a new wardrobe that fits!

Current plan is to have a yard sale and sell my wardrobe to help pay for a new one. We will see how that goes...

Whole30 Go For it!

I have been following a strict Whole 30 diet for the whole month of March (so far). I was feeling better but now my stomach is messed up. I think it has to do with candida again.

I haven't actually had any terrible cravings. One night I wanted something sweet so I stopped at the store and picked up some bananas and frozen fruit for a smoothie. I have taken a real liking to frozen fruit, a banana, and some coconut milk to make a smoothie. In the morning I decided to add some cocoa powder to mix it up a little. It has been a LONG time since I have made brownies, but I'm pretty sure my brain thought I was drinking the batter! It was SOOOOOO GOOOOD!!!!

Since this summer I have lost 20 lbs. That's right, 20 lbs. Someone asked me the other day how much I had lost because I was looking so good. (A perk about never seeing your coworkers, they notice differences.) It hit me after I replied, twenty pounds, that HOLY CRAP!!! I've lost TWENTY POUNDS!!! I have never been the one who is always talking about "I just need to lose 10 lbs" or anything like that. But I realized I lost a bag of dog food worth of weight, two large bags of potatoes worth, just less than half my dog worth! No wonder running is easier these days, I'm not carrying a ton of weight around anymore! Also, made me realize just how much weight I had gained in a year.

It has taken a long time, but it sure feels good to be hovering around 162 lbs again. I saw 158 once and am hoping to see it again. This Whole30 thing should continue to help with that goal. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I saw 140 anything.

Spring? *updated*

It is hard to remember that it is still winter. We are in the "Spring Semester" and the weather is wonderful! I'm sure it will change again shortly but for now it is hard to remember that it isn't officially spring. Now, the spring semester is when I seem to get the busiest. Weekends are booked and busy along with evenings and week days. I didn't even look to see when the last time I had a moment to blog was.

I'm still doing alright with the workouts. Minus the illness of last weekend (flu is no fun) I have been going on a semi-regular basis. It is challenging when I'm not home in the mornings or am getting behind on grading and HAVE to get grades updated.

In the diet area I have been slacking. I have gotten in the habit of allowing myself food I shouldn't have once a week. That turned into once a week and anytime I was in a hurry. That turned into anytime I kind of wanted food I shouldn't have. Last weekend I was chaperoning a field trip and rather than packing food I opted to eat the food there and what we bought the kids. I ate WAY too much pizza on Friday night which led to waking up feeling HORRIBLE and puking. It was one of those situations where I didn't want to puke but knew it would make me feel so much better if I did. Then I ended up puking and was asking myself why I hadn't just done that earlier. I regretted eating pizza so much since I was assuming it was just my body rejecting all the gluten and cheese and grease and butter and garlic and... I'm getting an upset stomach just talking about it.

Well, turns out one of the teachers I work with had a kid down with a 24 hour stomach bug. I then determined that must be my issue when I had completely emptied my stomach and was still puking. But, everything tasted like pizza for 24 hours and I am now against pizza. I don't even really want a tomato sauce on anything yet either.

So I decided it was the kick in the pants that I needed. My weight loss has stopped and I know it is the diet. I also haven't been feeling great. I haven't been liking my job. I have noticed a lot going downhill in my attitude so it is time to get back on track. I know food leads to a lot of this. Also, my dog has been diagnosed with diabetes so in researching that more I have been reflecting on my own diet and blood sugar fluctuations. I want so much to get back to being fat adapted! So, March 1st I started a Whole 30. Three days have been good so far and I have some food plans for this week laid out. Already I have dropped about 6 lbs. Inches are about the same, but I have dropped some weight.

Then I got curious when I was looking back at how much I weighed and decided to pull up the original picture from when I started Crossfit. I found it was the end of March (I thought it was the beginning) when I started Crossfit and took some new pictures. I see some changes but nothing that dramatic. I'm still really proud of myself and what I've accomplished. The fact that I can do some of the workouts without feeling like I'm going to die is a great feeling! Also, I'm working towards a 10k distance and it is a good feeling to be able to get on a treadmill and do a walk/run training program and complete almost 3 miles in my last 5k time. And that includes walking!!!

**Update**
After posting this I went on about what I was doing and stumbled upon a post that led me to ask a friend about the former friend who I am no longer friends with. She is going through a very exciting time in her life and I had mixed feelings. I'm sad that I'm not there to experience it all with her. I thought about sending her a message but I have thought about this in the past and don't want to open that can of worms. I thought about sending her a card just to let her know that I'm excited for her but again, I don't want to open that can of worms. She could get the card and find it a nice gesture and go on with her life. She could get the card and want to start talking again. She could get the card and it could fire back up all the bad feelings towards me. She could fire up those feelings and lash out. These go from ideal to what I am completely trying to avoid in the first place. So I was having mixed emotions and decided to just wait and see what I feel in a few days. As I closed all my browser windows there were my two pictures I made part of this post.

Suddenly I see a HUGE difference. I see myself as a much happier person. Instead of focusing on where I don't want to be I focus on how close to where I want to be I actually am. I work and change the world daily. I'm planning a wedding to a guy that makes me smile and makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I bought a dress that I LOVE and adore and can't believe I will actually be getting married in. I am counting down the days to when I get to spend every day with my husband. I have stress but it is stress related to MY life. I don't let others stress me out as much. Even listening to the people I used to work with I realize all we ever did was complain and now I am WAY more positive and choose to focus on the positives.

THIS I don't ever want to give up. This, sadly, I think is all directly related to losing someone I called my best friend. I always tried my hardest to help her be happy and at the same time I lost my own happiness. As I said then and still say, losing her as a friend isn't about her, it is all about me. It has been too long since I have actually focused on me and worked more on becoming who I want to be rather than trying to be the one who helps everyone else.

I found that I had saved this picture while looking for my "before" photo and I think it says it all.

Now I see someone in the current picture who is figuring out how to swim on the surface again. THAT is why I started Crossfit and working on myself. THAT is why I gave up the friend I was closest to in the whole world. THAT is why I continue this journey. It isn't about weight or numbers or looks, it is about how I feel. Always has been, always will be.... be about me.