Things you just shouldn't say. Period.

My mom came to visit.

A long time ago, like 5 years ago, I learned that no matter what I'll never make my mom happy. Mom will always have something to say. She will be disappointed. I will be a horrible daughter some how. I can't control that. I can't control her and how she treats me. What I can control is me, how I treat her, and living far away from her so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect my mom. She has done a lot. She has taught me quite a few things in life. There are many good qualities about my mom. I recognize that. I will acknowledge that. But, when we spend time together in close quarters I am reminded of all the things she likes to say.

I have begun to call them Momisms.

Momism from this evening: You're not supposed to work out every day. You're supposed to give your muscles a break.

Yes, true, I worked mostly arms today so my run tomorrow should be fine. Heaven forbid I be in shape and can actually do physical activity daily?

Momism from Monday: You and your fiance are old enough and set in your ways enough that you're going to struggle.

Really? Wow. Thanks for that vote of confidence. We rather seem to like each other, know how to discuss things, and often think a like already. Yeah we know it won't all be sunshine and roses, but we will work through them. I like to think we are older, more mature, and ready to be in a marriage because of this, not doomed.

Momism from last week while taking the dog for her morning walk after my run: (I gotta give you the whole conversation...)
Mom: So when you go to Crossfit is there a coach?
Me: Yep, that's how Crossfit works. There is a coach to help you with all the stuff we do and the workout.
Mom: Oh, well when your sister and her husband go they go for a WHOLE HOUR.
Me: Yep, I go 5:30 to 6:30. That's an hour.
Mom: Well, when they go it is NON-STOP for an hour. They are constantly doing something the WHOLE TIME.
Me: Yep, that's Crossfit.

Cause my Crossfit is so much more inferior to the Crossfit my sister (her fave) hasn't done in almost two years?

Momism from last week, the day after the one just listed and on our walk again: (again, you need the convo)
Me: My butt hurts. We did a lot today at Crossfit so walking is a little difficult this morning.
Mom: (something not so memorable)
Me: I made your sister laugh when we were dress shopping. My sister kept picking dresses that were way too small and your sister was the only one paying attention to me. In one of them I told her that at least my butt looked good and flexed it causing her to laugh. Nobody else saw it.
Mom: Well you look like a sausage in the wedding dress you bought too.

Yep. That's my mom. That's one of those things that nobody should ever say to anyone, ESPECIALLY their daughter. This is the one that takes the cake for this visit! Mind you, this is followed a week later by implying that I workout too much. Which is it? Am I fat or do I workout too much? No mention of the 25 lbs I've lost since the last time I saw her. Nope. This is my mom. Yet I will still respect her. I will still be polite, as much as possible, and cook for her and take care of her while she is here. I will still be concerned for her and try to help her out. But at the end of the day when she says something about how I'm not the greatest of daughters (comments have been made implying this in the past) she won't have any actual evidence. I will NOT give her the evidence of making her feel like she makes me feel with her comments. I cannot control her or her actions, but I can control mine.

Now, most think this would make me feel bad. I've learned not to listen to my mom. It has actually become a joke. I told someone about it and they said if I was a sausage then I must be a turkey sausage. I came back with "cause I'm so lean." So now I have a wedding dress which makes me a "lean turkey sausage."

What does upset me? Well, the fact that I lost my best friend when I pissed her off standing up for myself when I told her I too have issues with my body and don't like it. The ONE person who is ALWAYS supposed to have your back told me that I look like a sausage in my wedding dress. A dress Mom only saw a picture of me in, a dress she told me she didn't even want to see while she is here, and a dress that I LOVE and feel amazing in because I know I look amazing in it.

I know without a doubt I do NOT look like a sausage. Not even remotely. I don't even think I have the weird side boob/fat arm pits in this dress. I know I work hard to be where I am today in my fitness journey and to keep it going. I know that Mom can take her comment about not needing to worry about shrinking out of my clothes because I'm apparently going to get pregnant and gain it all right back and shove it. I'm changing my life for me and my future. I'm not losing weight for the wedding, I'm losing weight because it is healthier for me, helps me feel better, and I just like being active. This is a lifestyle change I'm working on and not a short term fix.

The Downside of Losing Weight

So everyone thinks losing weight is all happiness right? I mean you feel better, you look better, you feel you look better, you are happier, you're healthier (for most of us, not always is losing weight healthy). Why should anyone be upset about dropping a few pounds?!

Ask my bank account.

So the food isn't as cheap as all the junk I used to eat. I know. PB&J's are cheaper than actually cooking. Eating the amount of meat I have been in the last few weeks isn't cheap, not to mention trying to eat fruits and veggies too. But, I shop when things are on sale and base my meals around that. I buy in larger amounts when there is a good deal and freeze it. I am trying to make extras of stuff to freeze also. For example: ground beef was on sale last week, so was ground turkey, so I made four pounds worth of meatballs and froze them. Now I have quick weeknight meal when I need one. The fiance's vacuum sealer he received from me for Christmas is getting used, that's for sure.

If it isn't the food then what could it be?!

Clothes.

Remember back this summer when I was avoiding buying clothes at all costs? Remember that "friend" who told me it is dumb to not want to buy clothes that fit? Yeah, that was because I wanted to lose the weight and didn't want to spend the money just to shrink out of the new clothes. I don't have money to just flush down the drain like that.

Well, I broke down and purchased some new jeans and dress pants. A couple shirts were also thrown in. Now? Now I can't fit them. The dress pants fall off of me. The stretch denim capris are baggy. The workout pants are loose and fall off!!! I have a pair of dress pants that I found in the closet that needed to be hemmed. I've worn them once... now TOO BIG. Just this morning I found another pair of jeans I forgot I had purchased because they also needed to be hemmed... I'm sure they don't fit anymore either!

Now what do I do?! I need a third job just to pay for a new wardrobe that fits!

Current plan is to have a yard sale and sell my wardrobe to help pay for a new one. We will see how that goes...

Whole30 Go For it!

I have been following a strict Whole 30 diet for the whole month of March (so far). I was feeling better but now my stomach is messed up. I think it has to do with candida again.

I haven't actually had any terrible cravings. One night I wanted something sweet so I stopped at the store and picked up some bananas and frozen fruit for a smoothie. I have taken a real liking to frozen fruit, a banana, and some coconut milk to make a smoothie. In the morning I decided to add some cocoa powder to mix it up a little. It has been a LONG time since I have made brownies, but I'm pretty sure my brain thought I was drinking the batter! It was SOOOOOO GOOOOD!!!!

Since this summer I have lost 20 lbs. That's right, 20 lbs. Someone asked me the other day how much I had lost because I was looking so good. (A perk about never seeing your coworkers, they notice differences.) It hit me after I replied, twenty pounds, that HOLY CRAP!!! I've lost TWENTY POUNDS!!! I have never been the one who is always talking about "I just need to lose 10 lbs" or anything like that. But I realized I lost a bag of dog food worth of weight, two large bags of potatoes worth, just less than half my dog worth! No wonder running is easier these days, I'm not carrying a ton of weight around anymore! Also, made me realize just how much weight I had gained in a year.

It has taken a long time, but it sure feels good to be hovering around 162 lbs again. I saw 158 once and am hoping to see it again. This Whole30 thing should continue to help with that goal. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I saw 140 anything.

Spring? *updated*

It is hard to remember that it is still winter. We are in the "Spring Semester" and the weather is wonderful! I'm sure it will change again shortly but for now it is hard to remember that it isn't officially spring. Now, the spring semester is when I seem to get the busiest. Weekends are booked and busy along with evenings and week days. I didn't even look to see when the last time I had a moment to blog was.

I'm still doing alright with the workouts. Minus the illness of last weekend (flu is no fun) I have been going on a semi-regular basis. It is challenging when I'm not home in the mornings or am getting behind on grading and HAVE to get grades updated.

In the diet area I have been slacking. I have gotten in the habit of allowing myself food I shouldn't have once a week. That turned into once a week and anytime I was in a hurry. That turned into anytime I kind of wanted food I shouldn't have. Last weekend I was chaperoning a field trip and rather than packing food I opted to eat the food there and what we bought the kids. I ate WAY too much pizza on Friday night which led to waking up feeling HORRIBLE and puking. It was one of those situations where I didn't want to puke but knew it would make me feel so much better if I did. Then I ended up puking and was asking myself why I hadn't just done that earlier. I regretted eating pizza so much since I was assuming it was just my body rejecting all the gluten and cheese and grease and butter and garlic and... I'm getting an upset stomach just talking about it.

Well, turns out one of the teachers I work with had a kid down with a 24 hour stomach bug. I then determined that must be my issue when I had completely emptied my stomach and was still puking. But, everything tasted like pizza for 24 hours and I am now against pizza. I don't even really want a tomato sauce on anything yet either.

So I decided it was the kick in the pants that I needed. My weight loss has stopped and I know it is the diet. I also haven't been feeling great. I haven't been liking my job. I have noticed a lot going downhill in my attitude so it is time to get back on track. I know food leads to a lot of this. Also, my dog has been diagnosed with diabetes so in researching that more I have been reflecting on my own diet and blood sugar fluctuations. I want so much to get back to being fat adapted! So, March 1st I started a Whole 30. Three days have been good so far and I have some food plans for this week laid out. Already I have dropped about 6 lbs. Inches are about the same, but I have dropped some weight.

Then I got curious when I was looking back at how much I weighed and decided to pull up the original picture from when I started Crossfit. I found it was the end of March (I thought it was the beginning) when I started Crossfit and took some new pictures. I see some changes but nothing that dramatic. I'm still really proud of myself and what I've accomplished. The fact that I can do some of the workouts without feeling like I'm going to die is a great feeling! Also, I'm working towards a 10k distance and it is a good feeling to be able to get on a treadmill and do a walk/run training program and complete almost 3 miles in my last 5k time. And that includes walking!!!

**Update**
After posting this I went on about what I was doing and stumbled upon a post that led me to ask a friend about the former friend who I am no longer friends with. She is going through a very exciting time in her life and I had mixed feelings. I'm sad that I'm not there to experience it all with her. I thought about sending her a message but I have thought about this in the past and don't want to open that can of worms. I thought about sending her a card just to let her know that I'm excited for her but again, I don't want to open that can of worms. She could get the card and find it a nice gesture and go on with her life. She could get the card and want to start talking again. She could get the card and it could fire back up all the bad feelings towards me. She could fire up those feelings and lash out. These go from ideal to what I am completely trying to avoid in the first place. So I was having mixed emotions and decided to just wait and see what I feel in a few days. As I closed all my browser windows there were my two pictures I made part of this post.

Suddenly I see a HUGE difference. I see myself as a much happier person. Instead of focusing on where I don't want to be I focus on how close to where I want to be I actually am. I work and change the world daily. I'm planning a wedding to a guy that makes me smile and makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I bought a dress that I LOVE and adore and can't believe I will actually be getting married in. I am counting down the days to when I get to spend every day with my husband. I have stress but it is stress related to MY life. I don't let others stress me out as much. Even listening to the people I used to work with I realize all we ever did was complain and now I am WAY more positive and choose to focus on the positives.

THIS I don't ever want to give up. This, sadly, I think is all directly related to losing someone I called my best friend. I always tried my hardest to help her be happy and at the same time I lost my own happiness. As I said then and still say, losing her as a friend isn't about her, it is all about me. It has been too long since I have actually focused on me and worked more on becoming who I want to be rather than trying to be the one who helps everyone else.

I found that I had saved this picture while looking for my "before" photo and I think it says it all.

Now I see someone in the current picture who is figuring out how to swim on the surface again. THAT is why I started Crossfit and working on myself. THAT is why I gave up the friend I was closest to in the whole world. THAT is why I continue this journey. It isn't about weight or numbers or looks, it is about how I feel. Always has been, always will be.... be about me.

New Year, Busier than ever!!!

Ok, so a lot has happened in the last month and a half. So much so that I haven't had a chance to write anything.

Did I mention I got engaged? So that whole trip over Thanksgiving? I left a part out until we could announce it to family and friends properly before blogging about it. He proposed in Mesa Verde National Park and from there we haven't had a free moment.

December was filled with finding a venue. Being Catholic I know we will be married in a church by a priest or deacon. He isn't Catholic, but he gets to deal. Did you know that you CAN have a destination Catholic wedding?! I didn't but figured they should be able to happen. So after asking at the parish I belong to we set on the hunt to find a church and location we could both agree upon. So far our guidance was "in the mountains of Colorado."

After googling every church in the diocese we narrowed down the list to the ones that were in an ok location and looked nice. This led us to the chapel where we will be getting married. It is GORGEOUS! That led us to looking for reception venues. THAT led us to looking at our "cheap back up" plan... umm... not as cheap so back to the mountain venue! By Christmas we had a date, location, venue, menu (for the most part), decorations, and many more things already decided. Not sure why some get so stressed over this, everything is falling into place nicely. I'm waiting for when it all hits the fan, but so far it is smooth and every hurdle we come to we cross with ease as a couple.

The biggest hurdle was the officiant and interpreter. He is hard of hearing/deaf so it would be nice if he could understand his own wedding and what he is agreeing to. His parents offered to pay for one of his old interpreters to sign for us but she hasn't done it in ten years or more and wouldn't feel comfortable. Back to square one. We were going to try and get a priest who can sign but nobody ever replied. Then we were going to go with the local one but he is busy. Then we were going to go with one from the parish I'm from. Before we did that I wanted to try one more time to get someone who signs. I went to the church where they have a deaf ministry and talked to the ladies in the office. I left  a message for the ONLY priest who signs in the whole diocese. That's pretty much the populated area of the sate... the ONLY ONE. It is worth a shot. We took the chance and we got it!!! We will have a ceremony that is both spoken and signed by the same priest. No interpreter needed.

This is a big deal to me because I don't like singling him out for his hearing. I don't like that "special" accommodations need to be made. It should just be something that is done and happens. We shouldn't have to look at different people on our wedding day for what is happening. Now we don't have to and yet we combine both worlds into one. Kind of symbolic of the day...

Then with school I'm planned ahead and things are smooth for the most part. I got new windows in my house. And last year I started working with two other teachers doing a small group ACT/SAT prep class. That's taking off nicely and keeping me crazy busy. This weekend is dress shopping!

So on the dress shopping front I am SO tempted to text up the ol friend I ditched this summer and inform her of what happened. You know, the one who told me I don't know what it is like to not like my body and be called fat? That one. Well, in talking to my father about our wedding budget and all that he let me know that they would toss in a little extra to help with buying a dress since I will need to buy one. Jokingly I asked if he really wasn't going to make me wear the dress my mom has insisted I wear (cause both sisters wore it) for the last 12 years. Nope, it won't fit me. Ok, but they can always alter it.

My father replies with, "Yeah, but they can only let it out so far." My own father. Now I'm not sure he really meant to tell me he thinks I'm too fat to fit into my sisters ' dress but that is in fact what he said.

Nope... no idea what it is like to have strangers call me fat... my family does it enough for me. Of course she won't see it as about me and my feelings but instead will turn it around to be about her so I won't.

In other news I'm feeling good about myself. I now have the drive of "but this will make your arms look good" to push me through workouts and to not wimp out on weight. I'm toning and am getting some definition of a bicep!!!! That's exciting news. I haven't really gotten the scale much lower than 169 or high 168 but tomorrow I'm hopeful. I have been watching what I eat this week and yesterday I was at 175 when I went to bed. 170-171ish when I woke up and just weighed myself before going to bed again. I can usually predict my morning weight based on my evening weight. Tonight I was at 169. I typically drop a few pounds over night as I process food and such so I have high hopes for tomorrow.

More about workouts later.