I've been traveling with my best friend for the past week almost. Long road trip. Stressful weekend events. All that. She is the one who made the comment the prior post is about. I have known her for a LONG time and we have spent a lot of time together recently. She has been there through a lot in my life and I thought we had been through the roughest parts of friendship already. Turns out we hadn't but we are now more than likely. I'm 99.99% sure our friendship is over as of today.
Bestie has struggled with weight issues all of her life, more than I have. We have been through a lot and have encouraged each other through some of the toughest times. When I was living at home substituting and hating not having a job we would go to the gym together. This started our senior year in high school, but this time we had a better clue about what to do at the gym and had goals! She loved that I kept her motivated and I liked having a gym to go to and more importantly someone to go with. (She brought me to the student gym on campus where she had access and I didn't without her.) We worked hard. We felt better about ourselves when we were working out. Life happened and workouts, for both, stopped and lives changed.
Every once in awhile we would get on the kick to get back into shape. We would encourage each other. We would facebook or text pictures of our treadmill workouts, how sweaty we were after kicking our butt, and share diet frustrations. We did workout challenges for each other that were fun at times. She was always someone I could share my tiny wins about my body and health with and she would share hers. Same with our losses. As she prepared for her wedding this past January we both worked hard and saw results. Bestie had more than me for sure but I was dealing with a lot of other stress at work and all that also. We both were, but I was the most proud of her for how hard she worked and how great she felt at her wedding. Few and far between were the comments about how fat she thought she was or how she didn't like some part of her body.
Then she let herself go. She started having health issues and stopped working out. The vicious cycle also started emotional eating leading to more weight gain, more stress eating, more weight... I know how it goes too. Been there. Done that! I was excited when I joined Crossfit and wasn't going to tell anyone but told her anyway and she told me I was crazy! I have gotten so excited about a few things and had to call and tell her about it. Her response was usually excitement for me and then the conversation would turn to how she knew she should start working out again and wished she could or about how she needs to get back on track eating healthy. And when she had her reception in May she was back to hating herself. This weekend going through pictures, 9 times out of 10 she pointed out something negative about her body in every picture of herself. Her other friend and I pointed out in many pictures that the way they were looking at each other is what we noticed most, not the things she was pointing out. As I sat there with her going through photos I couldn't help but wonder what she said about me in some of my photos from other times. If she was this judgmental about herself, was she also judging me in the same way?
After the frustration that was the cause of the last post, I slept on it. I woke up and had a HUGE text ready to send to her about how I felt horrible about my body but felt I couldn't talk to her about it because she doesn't need to hear about my problems that aren't anything compared to hers. I stopped. I realized that as her friend sometimes the frustration gets to you and I know clothes shopping makes me snappy so I sucked it up and brushed it off. Went about the weekend and didn't say anything.
She sent a text apologizing for snapping at me at one point. I didn't know which time of snapping at me she meant so I never responded. I'm just used to her taking her frustrations out at me (ironic based on other conversations we had this weekend lol) and kept going. Over MANY hours in the car I did bring up some of the personal frustrations I've had with my body and how 200 lbs scares the crap out of me. I swore at 180 I'd start doing everything I could to not get there. (see prior posts for more about that) Other things were also mentioned that were frustrating me about my body and she seemed to acknowledge that it sucks. The whole time I felt like I was walking on eggshells though. Just hoping not to upset her by complaining about my measly little problems when she has more issues than me and won't be afraid to tell me that. We talked about hitting rock bottom and how could people stick around with people who don't seem to want to pick themselves up and yet these supportive people continue to help them. We talked about politics. We talked about possible wedding plans for me and how I want her and only her to be in my bridal party. We talked about how touched she was that I asked if she would go wedding dress shopping with me when that time came. And then there was yoga.
The statement made this weekend was in reference to buying clothes to do yoga in. She has talked about wanting to do yoga for a LONG time. Her mom has mentioned wanting to get her into meditation. Her doctor says walking and yoga would be a great place to start. She does yoga at home but has never been to a studio/class and has wanted to try it. Great! I know a place and would love to go. By the end of the weekend she told me she would go and try it. A quick trip to get some pants and off to class we went this morning!
She hated it. She was the largest person there and everyone noticed. The guy in the back stared at her in the mirror the whole time. The teacher wouldn't help her/correct her on anything because she was so big. No matter how much I told her that nobody cared how big she was, the teacher didn't correct her because she was probably doing it fine, and the dude was probably just staring at the mirror, not her, it didn't matter. THIS is why she doesn't workout in public, she isn't in good enough shape and she just has to get there on her own. I asked her if she would actually get there on her own and she snapped at me.
After breakfast I showered and took a LONG time getting ready. I honestly just sat in my bathroom trying to calm myself down for quite awhile. I was doing everything I could to support her and yet she didn't want it and instead wanted to complain about everything that was wrong with herself. It wasn't even the complaining to the medical stuff that bothered me, it was just the stuff she can actually control. As I sat there I thought about the pictures again. When I get married I want to be able to proudly display my pictures and feel great about having my best friend at my side on the happiest day of my life. Instead I was already worried about what she would say about them and I'm NOT EVEN ENGAGED YET!!! I don't want her in pictures if she is going to feel disgusted about they way she looks (not as worried about what she thinks I look like) and every time she sees that picture she won't be able to focus on the fact that she was there for my life changing event but instead hate the picture itself. I would end up hating the pictures just because they MIGHT make her feel that way. The pictures should be happy reminders of my day and not negatives about her body. (She looked GORGEOUS this weekend by the way and I thought after the bazillion people told her maybe it sank in a little but I don't think it did.) Then I feel horrible for feeling this way. My bestie feels bad about herself and I want nothing more than to help her feel better all around! Instead I'm her emotional punching bag and am starting to question and focus on all my flaws.
So, when she once again apologized for snapping at me I let some of it out. I let out the frustration that she couldn't be happy for herself. And one thing led to another and before I know it we are yelling at each other and I let it slip that I don't want her in my pictures if she is feeling this way about her body because I want her to be happy about the pictures. She claims she is happy with her body but society says she shouldn't be. I got on to her for not doing things she could control. She told me that it isn't about me, she has to do it on her own when she is ready. Also about how hearing I never want to be like her because she is over 200 lbs hurts her (although I stressed this was a personal number issue and didn't care what she weighed as long as she was truely happy). And in the end after a lot of yelling she decided she would call a cab and go to the airport a day early. I said that was fine, went upstairs and slammed my door. She left.
After crying for a long time and feeling bad I thought about apologizing and going to find her. Then I realized what was actually bothering me.. her negativity. I have tried so hard to be positive, so hard. For her around her and in my head for myself. I get my butt kicked at Crossfit and I get excited to be able to say I survived a workout. I get so excited about dead lifting 185 lbs! I am excited my stomach feels a little more tight even if it isn't getting smaller. I'm so excited I wanted to tell the world and started writing on my blog again because I didn't feel like I could tell my best friend.
I can't tell her about my frustrations and fears because it might upset her. I can't tell her about how pissed off I get at her for her comments because it won't do any good except upset her. I can't tell my best friend some of the hardest things for me to handle because I am more worried about how she will react than me getting to vent or celebrate about it. I haven't even told her about this blog because I'm afraid it will ruin my one place I can truly be honest about my feelings when it comes to my body and my workouts. I have even gone so far as not even telling my boyfriend (told him today after the fight) because I'm worried that somehow, MAYBE it would get back to her and make her feel bad about herself and that's the last thing I want to do. I want nothing more than to have the friend I saw at her wedding on the beach, the friend who used to get excited with me not just for me, the friend who understood and was part of a team that encouraged each other. I want her back.
If I were on the outside of this friendship looking in I would say to myself that it is time to move on from such a strong attachment with her. When you feel you have to hide so much from her and go to great lengths to do so, it isn't healthy. Sadly she is in a place of negativity. It is a place I have been but won't allow myself to be in for long periods of time and she is only going to drag me back there if I let her. To keep myself out I need to share my joy! I need to be able to freely talk about the positive things I can focus on without worrying about her feelings. I can't take responsibility for her feelings. I can't. I can't continue to stifle my emotions to protect hers. Although it all comes out of a place of love and caring for her, for my own safety and sanity I cannot go on being her friend while she is like this. It stresses me out and makes me want to curl up and focus on all the negatives myself. I have become one of those supporters of someone who doesn't want to help their self.
Should I probably have handled the situation a little better? Yeah, hindsight is 20/20. Do I feel horrible and upset that I just lost the one friend I have been closest to for the last 10 years? Oh yeah, I do and I will probably regret it for a long time to come. But I have to remember what she herself told me... I can't force her to be happier or feel better about herself, she has to do that on her own so I need to let her. I'm most upset that I won't get to be there when that person comes back, but I'm also mortified that she never will be that person again.
