So.... I've not been very successful so far. I don't want to say that I have failed because that implies that I have given up and quit. I refuse to quit. But I think I do need to get some thoughts out to move past them and get back on track. Stress has derailed me this last week, BIG time.
I've been struggling with this year's group of students. They are rude and entitled. Disclaimer: not all of them... but the ones who are stand out most in my mind right now.
Usually I am really good at building relationships with students and can gain an understanding with them that helps. This year they are so full of themselves they don't realize that I'm even in the room at times. Literally stood in the front one day for about 10 minutes before half of them turned around in my one class period.
First it wasn't just me. The other teachers who have taught way longer than I have were also struggling. Now though, it seems like it is just me. I don't know if I ended up with the right combination or what, but I feel like I have to drag myself to school lately. It used to be that I would miss kids and couldn't wait to see them after long weekends but now I somewhat dread going to school. Because the other teachers don't seem to struggle as much with the students and when I bring up my issues with students during our meetings with the admin and counseling staff, I feel like I'm a horrible teacher. Like, what am I doing in this profession?! And I have to say, that feeling KILLS me inside because I love teaching and I still see it when I tutor on the side.
To add on to that, last week was the deadline for the first giant project students had to finish completing. This meant 3 days of unstructured time with students in my room trashing the place. The last day is more chaos adding the fact that painting happens in my room and we have to rotate groups in and out to make room. But, let's start with Tuesday when the week quickly went downhill. Mind you, this is after Monday's lesson was a huge flop and what I thought would be a fun learning experience was pretty much me fighting to work on transitions with every class. It did get better by the end of the day.
I have a student assigned to my room who really struggles with a negative self-image. It comes from his father always putting him down. Probably doesn't help that his dad has also been physically abusive, not just verbally. But, I've built a relationship with this kid and once you get him past his tantrum (because yes, 8th graders still throw tantrums) he will work for me and I see his mood improve. So he was assigned to be in my room with his group and that also keeps him away from others that seem to be a distraction for him. Well, Tuesday I was helping all 140 kids and he decided he was going to be Mr. Negativity. His group was gone and he was the only one there and poor pitiful him didn't know what to do. I called to have the counselor help me out but rushed that call after he was "joking" about cutting himself on purpose. Everything was fine. She left. Kid goes back to displaying some disturbing behavior. The day ended with me trying to call Mom but couldn't get ahold of her and so instead I reported him for a welfare check. Pretty much stressed about this child and cried to my husband all evening.
Wednesday starts and we were told a report was filed but they weren't going to pull him to talk about it until later in the day so he could work with his group. Another incident happened in my room but then everything was fine. Yet another incident just before lunch and I emailed the office letting them know I would need a sub if he was expected to return to my room. One of my teammates went to talk to them too after I started my lunch off by crying in frustration. I felt like I was SCREAMING for this kid to get help and I was the only one seeing anything or even believing he needed help. They agreed to keep him and give him an alternative assignment. He would not be back in my room.
Friday I am finally told that there was a meeting with Mom and yeah, he had texted a few people about hurting himself and nobody had reported it. (Probably because he is always talking down about himself so it isn't really a new behavior.) They called to get him help though. We didn't have students on Friday but he was back in my room yesterday like nothing happened.
Thursday night was spent showing off the student projects to parents, out with the team for dinner after, and then hanging with my friend crying about how nothing was happening to help this kid. Friday I was EXHAUSTED. I ended my evening with watching a sad movie and just crying. Sometimes you just need a good cry and after the week I had, I CRIED.
Also, it should be noted I may have been stress eating candy and such all week too and not able to get myself out of bed to get to the gym. I did do some yoga and meditation on Tuesday morning though.
So, Saturday I woke up feeling like death. I think I went back to sleep until 10am (I'm usually an early riser) and then forced myself to the couch. I grabbed some chicken broth, water, Emergen-C, and Lemon Tea to keep with me along with tissues, vicks, and advil. I pretty much stayed there all day into the evening. All my plans to get caught up on grading and ahead on lesson planning FAILED. I couldn't think and instead watched Holiday movies all day. Sunday I was better and taking sinus meds but we had a car trip planned with the in-laws so I tried to sleep most of the day. Oh, and started my period!! Woot!! That's always a blast.
Yesterday went better but I didn't want to push myself and go to the gym. I need to get better first. Today I was wide awake at 2 am (because I also haven't been sleeping since getting sick...) and laid there for awhile. It was killing me to feel horrible about not working out last week and physically feel horrible from the illness I caught (and probably showing because of the emotional stress last week) and because of my eating. Chicken noodle soup was the only thing that really sounded good to eat but the gluten in the noodles isn't fun. So, I looked up some workout plans.
The gym I was going to has an app and I was looking at their workouts to modify and do at the "globo" gym I now go to but apparently they shut down my account. Probably because I don't pay or attend regularly anymore. :( So I think I have a plan and need to include some running in there too. I have a marathon relay in May that I should probably start training for and I just feel so out of shape. I want to feel stronger again but I know that means I have to work at it.
Today is the day to turn it around. It feels like I say this a lot but I feel like I only fail when I stop trying so I'm going to try again. It is a new trimester at school so students are mixed up in classes. I stacked all the issues I have into one class period (they are super excited to have all their friends in there) and it could either be my favorite class ever or they'll learn what it is like to have a lame, super structured class. But, I don't end my day with it! I'm feeling better and did yoga this morning (although child's pose really doesn't help the sinuses...) and minus some gas and bloating I'm ready to be more focused. Tonight I'm tutoring. And maybe, if there is time, I'll make a new sticker for my water bottle but I'm for sure changing the wallpaper on my phone. The subliminal message before seemed to help.
Here's to 20%
