While in the shower at the gym today I was brainstorming about that article (which may be more of a blog post, I don’t remember) which I want to write about when my thoughts led down an interesting path and has made me rethink my goals. (Sticking with the 20% though!)
While lathering up I was thinking about if I ever considered myself ‘fat’ and what my eating habits were like my freshmen year in high school when’s I went from 150 to 125 in three months. Me at 125 was a little scrawny but I had muscles. Before you panic and wonder why I dropped 25 pounds in three months, let me explain.
I would have been around the age of 14 and was weighing in around 150 and 5’4”. I was chunky but not ‘fat’ in my mind. My family however made me feel fatter than I was but still bought Totino’s pizzas and pizza rolls and curly fries and other junk so that’s all we really had to make ourselves for dinner. (Us being my sister and I who was still at home.) The oldest sister was skinny and somehow the middle sister and I were made to feel compared to her all the time. (Still are in many ways but Mon can’t really say she is winning the most fit part of the comparison anymore.)
Summer before freshmen year started and I joined the color guard. I went off to camp and by the time school was in full swing I was down to 125! I had practice every day after school in the heat and humidity. I was the only child at home and began to beg for healthier food options because I was tired of the same thing all the time. Healthier food became meat and cheese sandwiches and me cooking dinner like hamburger helper and such. Still not “healthy” but more variety than the past. I was just busier and not sitting at home eating all the time.
I should add that I don’t really blame my parents for the food we were raised on. They did what they could, made what they were used to, and that’s just life. We ate a lot of Shake-n-Bake chicken as a kid after mom went on a ban against fried food. (We never made homemade fried chicken anyway...) Bacon was only for BLT’s and that was like twice a year. Money was also tight so we had what was affordable.
Sophomore year I had still kept the weight off and I remember borrowing a size 3 dress to wear to homecoming. It did have a lace up back so I could get in and out of it but it was still a size THREE! Slowly, over time, mostly senior year, I gained weight and looking back attribute it a lot to stress. Life of a teen compounded by my loving mother and being the only child left at home made up a lot of the stress. When I went to Hawaii on a band trip just after graduation I was not comfortable with my weight. I had spent time at the gym with a friend for months trying to get into shape but didn’t have a clue what we were doing. I felt fat for the first time. Doesn’t help when you show your dad a group photo when you get back and he can’t spot you.... in the center... very clearly... and responds with “I didn’t realize you had gained that much weight.” Yeah.
Reflecting on it this morning my thought went something like: I managed to go from 125/130ish all the way to 160ish pounds and I felt so fat and gross. (I do understand that 160 is not fat and am not judging. Promise.)Then it hit me...
I am happy to be approaching 165 this morning and couldn’t have been more proud! Holy Shit! My old ‘fat’ weight has become my new skinny weight. The lowest I think I would look ok at is 150 but it would be lucky for me to get there. Even looking back at that photo not much is different about me.
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! So, I’m still aiming for 20% body fat but no longer am I afraid of losing 30 pounds. Again, I don’t plan on losing all of it but turning some of it to muscle. But, no longer am I going to be ok with thinking I’m where I should be and the charts lie when I’m at the same weight ish I was when I thought I was ‘fat.’
Changing the mindset.
Was going to attach photos but they don’t want to upload easily from my phone. I’ll try later.
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