Dealing with Stress

So.... I've not been very successful so far. I don't want to say that I have failed because that implies that I have given up and quit. I refuse to quit. But I think I do need to get some thoughts out to move past them and get back on track. Stress has derailed me this last week, BIG time.

I've been struggling with this year's group of students. They are rude and entitled. Disclaimer: not all of them... but the ones who are stand out most in my mind right now.

Usually I am really good at building relationships with students and can gain an understanding with them that helps. This year they are so full of themselves they don't realize that I'm even in the room at times. Literally stood in the front one day for about 10 minutes before half of them turned around in my one class period.

First it wasn't just me. The other teachers who have taught way longer than I have were also struggling. Now though, it seems like it is just me. I don't know if I ended up with the right combination or what, but I feel like I have to drag myself to school lately. It used to be that I would miss kids and couldn't wait to see them after long weekends but now I somewhat dread going to school. Because the other teachers don't seem to struggle as much with the students and when I bring up my issues with students during our meetings with the admin and counseling staff, I feel like I'm a horrible teacher. Like, what am I doing in this profession?! And I have to say, that feeling KILLS me inside because I love teaching and I still see it when I tutor on the side.

To add on to that, last week was the deadline for the first giant project students had to finish completing. This meant 3 days of unstructured time with students in my room trashing the place. The last day is more chaos adding the fact that painting happens in my room and we have to rotate groups in and out to make room. But, let's start with Tuesday when the week quickly went downhill. Mind you, this is after Monday's lesson was a huge flop and what I thought would be a fun learning experience was pretty much me fighting to work on transitions with every class. It did get better by the end of the day.

I have a student assigned to my room who really struggles with a negative self-image. It comes from his father always putting him down. Probably doesn't help that his dad has also been physically abusive, not just verbally. But, I've built a relationship with this kid and once you get him past his tantrum (because yes, 8th graders still throw tantrums) he will work for me and I see his mood improve. So he was assigned to be in my room with his group and that also keeps him away from others that seem to be a distraction for him. Well, Tuesday I was helping all 140 kids and he decided he was going to be Mr. Negativity. His group was gone and he was the only one there and poor pitiful him didn't know what to do. I called to have the counselor help me out but rushed that call after he was "joking" about cutting himself on purpose. Everything was fine. She left. Kid goes back to displaying some disturbing behavior. The day ended with me trying to call Mom but couldn't get ahold of her and so instead I reported him for a welfare check. Pretty much stressed about this child and cried to my husband all evening.

Wednesday starts and we were told a report was filed but they weren't going to pull him to talk about it until later in the day so he could work with his group. Another incident happened in my room but then everything was fine. Yet another incident just before lunch and I emailed the office letting them know I would need a sub if he was expected to return to my room. One of my teammates went to talk to them too after I started my lunch off by crying in frustration. I felt like I was SCREAMING for this kid to get help and I was the only one seeing anything or even believing he needed help. They agreed to keep him and give him an alternative assignment. He would not be back in my room.

Friday I am finally told that there was a meeting with Mom and yeah, he had texted a few people about hurting himself and nobody had reported it. (Probably because he is always talking down about himself so it isn't really a new behavior.) They called to get him help though. We didn't have students on Friday but he was back in my room yesterday like nothing happened.

Thursday night was spent showing off the student projects to parents, out with the team for dinner after, and then hanging with my friend crying about how nothing was happening to help this kid. Friday I was EXHAUSTED. I ended my evening with watching a sad movie and just crying. Sometimes you just need a good cry and after the week I had, I CRIED.

Also, it should be noted I may have been stress eating candy and such all week too and not able to get myself out of bed to get to the gym. I did do some yoga and meditation on Tuesday morning though.

So, Saturday I woke up feeling like death. I think I went back to sleep until 10am (I'm usually an early riser) and then forced myself to the couch. I grabbed some chicken broth, water, Emergen-C, and Lemon Tea to keep with me along with tissues, vicks, and advil. I pretty much stayed there all day into the evening. All my plans to get caught up on grading and ahead on lesson planning FAILED. I couldn't think and instead watched Holiday movies all day. Sunday I was better and taking sinus meds but we had a car trip planned with the in-laws so I tried to sleep most of the day. Oh, and started my period!! Woot!! That's always a blast.

Yesterday went better but I didn't want to push myself and go to the gym. I need to get better first. Today I was wide awake at 2 am (because I also haven't been sleeping since getting sick...) and laid there for awhile. It was killing me to feel horrible about not working out last week and physically feel horrible from the illness I caught (and probably showing because of the emotional stress last week) and because of my eating. Chicken noodle soup was the only thing that really sounded good to eat but the gluten in the noodles isn't fun. So, I looked up some workout plans.

The gym I was going to has an app and I was looking at their workouts to modify and do at the "globo" gym I now go to but apparently they shut down my account. Probably because I don't pay or attend regularly anymore. :( So I think I have a plan and need to include some running in there too. I have a marathon relay in May that I should probably start training for and I just feel so out of shape. I want to feel stronger again but I know that means I have to work at it.

Today is the day to turn it around. It feels like I say this a lot but I feel like I only fail when I stop trying so I'm going to try again. It is a new trimester at school so students are mixed up in classes. I stacked all the issues I have into one class period (they are super excited to have all their friends in there) and it could either be my favorite class ever or they'll learn what it is like to have a lame, super structured class. But, I don't end my day with it! I'm feeling better and did yoga this morning (although child's pose really doesn't help the sinuses...) and minus some gas and bloating I'm ready to be more focused. Tonight I'm tutoring. And maybe, if there is time, I'll make a new sticker for my water bottle but I'm for sure changing the wallpaper on my phone. The subliminal message before seemed to help.

Here's to 20%

The Scale Lies!!!

no, really, it does. My bathroom scale is usually within half a pound or so of the one at the gym. Today (and probably yesterday too) not so much...

First, this week has been rough. Monday was chaos at school and then Tuesday I made it to the gym and just had a blah day. I also gave in and ate a lot of candy. That may have been stress eating because of stuff that happened at school. We do classroom meetings on Mondays which is part of Restorative Justice Circles or one of the other many names they are given. Only because of chaos that was Monday our kids didn’t get their meeting time and instead had to clean up our rooms they made huge messes in. This led to us being told that we have to make up the time and shouldn’t plan our days like that again to avoid this in the future. Umm... wasn’t on purpose.

Then, I also get an email forwarded from the principal so I can “see the kudos” from a parent. Only it was also sent to our instructional coach and mentions how horrible my 6th period is and the parent was wanting to know what support I was getting to help with that. I think the parent did mean it in a good way and a “she is so awesome we want to help her keep being awesome” way but when your principal attaches the one who is supposed to help struggling teachers it feels like he isn’t thinking I can do my job.

Great way to feel.

So of course I’m worked up by the blame of skipping classroom meetings and the email when my team starts talking about it and yeah, we are not fans of these meetings. I loved the idea. It is who I am. I love getting to know kids and interacting with them without curriculum. But these kids just don’t buy in and make it the most painful 25 minutes of my week! Actually, it feels like it breaks down my relationships instead of building them. I build the relationships a lot through question time as a time filler in class. We alternate and I ask kids questions and they ask me. I will answer anything they ask but cannot guarantee they will like the answer. (Some personal questions I’m really vague about.)  as a matter of fact I found out just that day that a student had spent the last 4 days in the hospital... same kid who has had some depression issues.

Meetings don’t work but nobody wants to hear it and we are in trouble for skipping them on accident. Kid makes me worry a LOT about him. And I feel like others think I can’t do my job. I ate a bit of candy. It was stress.

Wednesday I was shocked to see that I had lost another couple pounds and was down to 163. Thought that was weird for all the candy/sugar I ate... Today, Thursday, checked and weighed the same. Sweet! Till I went to the gym and weighed myself there to find I’m still at 165. That seems more like the way I feel.

Maybe I should replace the batteries that came with it 6 years ago?

Progress Report

So I did alright last week going to the gym. I think I took Thursday off and took it easy on Tuesday. (And Friday because all the lifting stations were full!) I managed to drop a few pounds and even though the scale said I weighed less, it also said I increased my body fat percentage? That was weird so I’m throwing out that data point. It really could have been a fault with the scale thing and besides I wasn’t fast enough to snap a photo so it didn’t happen... right?

This weekend we went to the in-laws and my MIL made me gluten free brownies! A whole 8x8 pan just for me. I wasn’t going to have any but felt bad and gave into peer pressure. I ate two. The rest were sent home with me and went straight in the freezer. Someday they may come out but not now because I have a goal!

After the weekend I was back up to the weight I started this goal at. Stupid body. And I can say that because in the next 24 hours my body was able to tidbit itself of whatever it didn’t like and I was back to where I was weight wise Friday morning. Getting fit really is all about knowing your body.

So far this week I did a brief but difficult workout yesterday, started my period today, and allowed myself to sleep in. We have Parent/Teacher Conferences the next two nights so I won’t be home until after 10pm and my parents are here. Sometimes you just need the sleep to protect your sanity.

Mind Blowing Realization

While in the shower at the gym today I was brainstorming about that article (which may be more of a blog post, I don’t remember) which I want to write about when my thoughts led down an interesting path and has made me rethink my goals. (Sticking with the 20% though!)

While lathering up I was thinking about if I ever considered myself ‘fat’ and what my eating habits were like my freshmen year in high school when’s I went from 150 to 125 in three months. Me at 125 was a little scrawny but I had muscles. Before you panic and wonder why I dropped 25 pounds in three months, let me explain.

I would have been around the age of 14 and was weighing in around 150 and 5’4”. I was chunky but not ‘fat’ in my mind. My family however made me feel fatter than I was but still bought Totino’s pizzas and pizza rolls and curly fries and other junk so that’s all we really had to make ourselves for dinner. (Us being my sister and I who was still at home.) The oldest sister was skinny and somehow the middle sister and I were made to feel compared to her all the time. (Still are in many ways but Mon can’t really say she is winning the most fit part of the comparison anymore.)

Summer before freshmen year started and I joined the color guard. I went off to camp and by the time school was in full swing I was down to 125! I had practice every day after school in the heat and humidity. I was the only child at home and began to beg for healthier food options because I was tired of the same thing all the time. Healthier food became meat and cheese sandwiches and me cooking dinner like hamburger helper and such. Still not “healthy” but more variety than the past. I was just busier and not sitting at home eating all the time.

I should add that I don’t really blame my parents for the food we were raised on. They did what they could, made what they were used to, and that’s just life. We ate a lot of Shake-n-Bake chicken as a kid after mom went on a ban against fried food. (We never made homemade fried chicken anyway...) Bacon was only for BLT’s and that was like twice a year. Money was also tight so we had what was affordable.

Sophomore year I had still kept the weight off and I remember borrowing a size 3 dress to wear to homecoming. It did have a lace up back so I could get in and out of it but it was still a size THREE! Slowly, over time, mostly senior year, I gained weight and looking back attribute it a lot to stress. Life of a teen compounded by my loving mother and being the only child left at home made up a lot of the stress. When I went to Hawaii on a band trip just after graduation I was not comfortable with my weight. I had spent time at the gym with a friend for months trying to get into shape but didn’t have a clue what we were doing. I felt fat for the first time. Doesn’t help when you show your dad a group photo when you get back and he can’t spot you.... in the center... very clearly... and responds with “I didn’t realize you had gained that much weight.”          Yeah.

Reflecting on it this morning my thought went something like: I managed to go from 125/130ish all the way to 160ish pounds and I felt so fat and gross. (I do understand that 160 is not fat and am not judging. Promise.)Then it hit me...

I am happy to be approaching 165 this morning and couldn’t have been more proud! Holy Shit! My old ‘fat’ weight has become my new skinny weight. The lowest I think I would look ok at is 150 but it would be lucky for me to get there. Even looking back at that photo not much is different about me.

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! So, I’m still aiming for 20% body fat but no longer am I afraid of losing 30 pounds. Again, I don’t plan on losing all of it but turning some of it to muscle. But, no longer am I going to be ok with thinking I’m where I should be and the charts lie when I’m at the same weight ish I was when I thought I was ‘fat.’

Changing the mindset.

Was going to attach photos but they don’t want to upload easily from my phone. I’ll try later.

Let’s Try This Again

Ironically I’m back on public transit, on my phone and posting this. Just looked back at the last post and some themes seem odd exist...

First, I am rocking day 4 of no processed sugars. I have a new goal, but more on that in a minute, and it has given me something to strive for. And I REALLY want to meet that goal!

Second, I was thinking this morning about how I may be rocking it this time because I’m not on my period or starting my period. If I can get in the habit BEFORE all the massive cravings happen that should help. Posted about that in the last post too!

So, this new goal you ask? Ok. I want to get to 20% body fat. 15% is dangerous for women and 18% can start to have negative effects for some. I figure 20% should be alright and is already a lofty goal. Not impossible, just going to need to work for it. And so far I am and am staying motivated!

What started this? Well, I read an article someone shared on twitter and want to post about that, but that’s another day. Part of it talks about overweight people knowing what to do but not doing it. I don’t see myself as overweight but my BMI says I am and studies somewhere have to link that to health issues. So I figured it  is time to buckle down again and just do it!

This morning I woke up and went to check the time but my phone wouldn’t light up. It was 3:46am. I had set an alarm for 3:45 but the phone wouldn’t turn on so... no snooze for me! I got up and went to the gym. Did my workout and off to work I went. But I am stopping on my way home for an alarm clock; the phone is beyond trust. (Factory reset seems to have fixed errors but I’m not going to trust it.)

Currently I am at 36% body fat and 167ish lbs. I did some math and if I just lose fat I will need to lose just under 30 pounds. That’s a little intimidating and puts me at a REALLY low weight. I’m not sure I’d look healthy at that weight so the plan isn’t to replace some of that fat with muscle. This will be achieved by weights/CrossFit style workouts 3 days a week. After a month to adjust to that November will begin three day weights/workouts with 2 days of cardio. I signed up for the marathon relay again and want to get into better shape for it. Once life calms down I’d like to start doing more 5k’s again too. So cardio needs to be worked in.

Other than that I’m going for a more strict Paleo style diet and seeing how it goes. So far, not bad. I did eat BBQ sauce yesterday though that I know had sugars in it... but I did limit the amount! I also discovered my afternoon headaches are probably caused by my lack of salt so salted nuts are now in my drawer to snack on. They aren’t my favorite but I will gladly take them over headaches any day.

So, hopefully this time I can stick with the updates and actually have things to update on. We shall see.

Happy Monday!

Let it Begin!

Posted on public transit on a cell phone... please forgive the errors and typos.

Day 1.
Last week was prep... failed prep... Sometimes it sucks being a girl and I have to say that if you’re going to cut out sugar and deal with the cravings and side effects do NOT choose the week you start your period to begin this change. Also, avoid the week where weather ruins your field trip plans forcing you to reschedule and shuffle all your lessons for two weeks. Especially don’t choose the week where those two are combined. But now I know what I need to help me out so today is Day 1!

No processed sugar. (Except the dark chocolate chips in my trail mix snacks this week.) and workout at least 3 days a week. Ideally include walking or 30 min elliptical or something on the off days. I did the exercise thing last week with success so that seems easier this week. Even went twice in one day! Although the second time was to coach the hubby on how to do stuff.

He wanted to learn how to do some lifts so I said I would teach him a few. I always thought he was strong and although he has endurance (runs and swims distances with ease) he isn’t as strong as I thought. Plus uses the weight machines a lot so he doesn’t have all the fine muscles needed for support as much. I also thought he knew more than he does (or he just wants to learn into the way I teach it?) but oh well. I taught him hang cleans last week. Took a bit but he was getting the hang of them. (No pun intended) Then he did the workout I did in the morning and had to go down in weight (from 20’s to 15’s) and laid on the mat for a bit after. He also finished it in half the time I took! [21-15-9 burpees, dumbbell front squats, push presses) He was still sore last night.

The other day I was discussing cleans with a friend who said “I don’t really see the point of them.” That got me thinking about them and what the purpose was if you always use a weight rack. They build up your traps nicely but otherwise they don’t have a point... until this morning. On the to do list was find the one rep max for a clean and jerk and although I didn’t go for the max but more just practice (55# was tough for multiple sets) I remembered they do have a purpose!

Dude, if you do the entire clean and jerk sequence it is WAY more than just lifting is going to get you.  First, the WHOLE clean itself, including the squat, works practically EVERY muscle in your body. In ONE move! I think to work the same muscles I’d have to do some rows, deadlifts, AND squats. Do you know how long that takes?! I don’t have that kind of time and prefer to be efficient in the time I do have. Then to add a jerk part too? Yeah, I think I’ll stick with cleans when they are called for.

Also, speaking of efficiency... was reading up on HIIT workouts and how you get so much more out of them because you max your system out almost immediately. I have to say that breaking a sweat enough to need a towel while you’re just lifting seems weird when everyone around you looks perfectly dry. And... when I’m laying on my mat after my 10 min workout and it is gross with sweat, I think about how every time something gets hard for those around me they stop and take a rest. THAT used to be me. That is what wasn’t working for me. Maybe it works for them, that’s cool, but for me, I have to kick my own butt and sweat like a pig till I can’t move to get results. Or at least results in a time frame I would like, not waiting for months to see anything. I always felt like I did more in under 20 min with Crossfit  than most do in their whole workout and after watching others at the normal “globo” gym, I think that’s pretty accurate.

I needed that!

Oh man did I need that break!

Spring Break as a week spent puppy sitting, gardening, enjoying the sun and warmth, enjoying the snow, (it is Colorado...) enjoying the grill, food prepping breakfasts (made 11 doz? egg muffins of different sorts), baking all sorts of rye bread experiments, and quality time in pj’s watching nothing on tv! It was a vacation well spent doing as little as possible and that’s what I needed.

Today I started April off to a good start. I decided for now and the next 7 1/2 weeks (I mean who is really keeping track that I only have 36 more student contact days left?! Lol) to set weekly goals and if I accomplish them I earn a star for the day. Not sure what I want to bribe myself with just yet but just giving yourself a star is sometimes enough to drive you!

This week’s stars are earned by 1) limiting myself to one sweet snack a day, 2) getting at least 30 min of dedicated exercise time, and 3) meeting my 8,000 step goal. Seems like 2&3 should go together and that’s ok. Eventually I’ll probably up the steps to 10,000 but for now 8,000 is a good goal.

Today I got my butt out of bed and rolled into the gym locker room at 4:45 in the morning! Going to try to do it again tomorrow to do some treadmill or elliptical for “active recovery” since I also read a few books about exercising and HIIT in particular over break. (Not sure when I became a super reader but I can FLY through books if I’m interested.) Then rose the transit to school. After that I went to do the SAT Prep course and now am on my way home. I should get there about 9:00pm. Sixteen hour day isn’t too bad... one more tomorrow then the prep course is done for the year!

I didn’t get to the gym as much as I wanted to over break but I’m starting these last couple months of school with a good attitude. I can do this! I just need to master the diet and exercise making it a priority and my mood should stay better making everything better. I like being a positive person and I hate it when I backslide into feeling so down.

Today was somewhat better than yesterday

I need to get back to my better than yesterday campaign.

Yesterday sucked. It was one of those days where you just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Only that’s hard to do when you’re stuck on a bus in traffic, your ride has to leave you to get to school, you have to take a bus and then walk over a half mile to arrive to school 15 min late. Good thing they gave first period plan to the other team this year! So that all pretty much set the tone for me feeling horrible and like a burden on everyone.

Today was better. I drove myself to school and had an hour extra in peace to lesson plan up until spring break. That helps put my mind at ease a little more. Students were working too so I was able to get some other things prepped throughout the day. Then worked the SAT prep course again tonight and now it is a long ride back home.

I wanted to get to the gym but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe tomorrow? Except we have stuff to do. Thursday? Oh, wait... on the interview committee till probably 6. Friday? I’ll be stuck in traffic and after a long Thursday I won’t feel like it. I’ll try again next week...

Today I did manage to avoid sugar! Trying to get that going again. May have ate a lot yesterday to try and eat my feelings and then had a big cup of hot chocolate. Today was just some jerky that has sugar in it and some chai tea sweetened with maple syrup. If I can’t do the gym thing then at least I can do the diet part right?

I know I just need to get out of this funk and diet typically helps. That’s the one thing right now I can do something about. One step at a time. Don’t have to be perfect, just better than yesterday.

*types without proofing on the bus and on my cell phone... deal.