You deserve to be proud of yourself.

I've been traveling with my best friend for the past week almost. Long road trip. Stressful weekend events. All that. She is the one who made the comment the prior post is about. I have known her for a LONG time and we have spent a lot of time together recently. She has been there through a lot in my life and I thought we had been through the roughest parts of friendship already. Turns out we hadn't but we are now more than likely. I'm 99.99% sure our friendship is over as of today.

Bestie has struggled with weight issues all of her life, more than I have. We have been through a lot and have encouraged each other through some of the toughest times. When I was living at home substituting and hating not having a job we would go to the gym together. This started our senior year in high school, but this time we had a better clue about what to do at the gym and had goals! She loved that I kept her motivated and I liked having a gym to go to and more importantly someone to go with. (She brought me to the student gym on campus where she had access and I didn't without her.) We worked hard. We felt better about ourselves when we were working out. Life happened and workouts, for both, stopped and lives changed. 

Every once in awhile we would get on the kick to get back into shape. We would encourage each other. We would facebook or text pictures of our treadmill workouts, how sweaty we were after kicking our butt, and share diet frustrations. We did workout challenges for each other that were fun at times. She was always someone I could share my tiny wins about my body and health with and she would share hers. Same with our losses. As she prepared for her wedding this past January we both worked hard and saw results. Bestie had more than me for sure but I was dealing with a lot of other stress at work and all that also. We both were, but I was the most proud of her for how hard she worked and how great she felt at her wedding. Few and far between were the comments about how fat she thought she was or how she didn't like some part of her body. 

Then she let herself go. She started having health issues and stopped working out. The vicious cycle also started emotional eating leading to more weight gain, more stress eating, more weight... I know how it goes too. Been there. Done that! I was excited when I joined Crossfit and wasn't going to tell anyone but told her anyway and she told me I was crazy! I have gotten so excited about a few things and had to call and tell her about it. Her response was usually excitement for me and then the conversation would turn to how she knew she should start working out again and wished she could or about how she needs to get back on track eating healthy. And when she had her reception in May she was back to hating herself. This weekend going through pictures, 9 times out of 10 she pointed out something negative about her body in every picture of herself. Her other friend and I pointed out in many pictures that the way they were looking at each other is what we noticed most, not the things she was pointing out. As I sat there with her going through photos I couldn't help but wonder what she said about me in some of my photos from other times. If she was this judgmental about herself, was she also judging me in the same way?

After the frustration that was the cause of the last post, I slept on it. I woke up and had a HUGE text ready to send to her about how I felt horrible about my body but felt I couldn't talk to her about it because she doesn't need to hear about my problems that aren't anything compared to hers. I stopped. I realized that as her friend sometimes the frustration gets to you and I know clothes shopping makes me snappy so I sucked it up and brushed it off. Went about the weekend and didn't say anything. 

She sent a text apologizing for snapping at me at one point. I didn't know which time of snapping at me she meant so I never responded. I'm just used to her taking her frustrations out at me (ironic based on other conversations we had this weekend lol) and kept going. Over MANY hours in the car I did bring up some of the personal frustrations I've had with my body and how 200 lbs scares the crap out of me. I swore at 180 I'd start doing everything I could to not get there. (see prior posts for more about that) Other things were also mentioned that were frustrating me about my body and she seemed to acknowledge that it sucks. The whole time I felt like I was walking on eggshells though. Just hoping not to upset her by complaining about my measly little problems when she has more issues than me and won't be afraid to tell me that. We talked about hitting rock bottom and how could people stick around with people who don't seem to want to pick themselves up and yet these supportive people continue to help them. We talked about politics. We talked about possible wedding plans for me and how I want her and only her to be in my bridal party. We talked about how touched she was that I asked if she would go wedding dress shopping with me when that time came. And then  there was yoga.

The statement made this weekend was in reference to buying clothes to do yoga in. She has talked about wanting to do yoga for a LONG time. Her mom has mentioned wanting to get her into meditation. Her doctor says walking and yoga would be a great place to start. She does yoga at home but has never been to a studio/class and has wanted to try it. Great! I know a place and would love to go. By the end of the weekend she told me she would go and try it. A quick trip to get some pants and off to class we went this morning!

She hated it. She was the largest person there and everyone noticed. The guy in the back stared at her in the mirror the whole time. The teacher wouldn't help her/correct her on anything because she was so big. No matter how much I told her that nobody cared how big she was, the teacher didn't correct her because she was probably doing it fine, and the dude was probably just staring at the mirror, not her, it didn't matter. THIS is why she doesn't workout in public, she isn't in good enough shape and she just has to get there on her own. I asked her if she would actually get there on her own and she snapped at me. 

After breakfast I showered and took a LONG time getting ready. I honestly just sat in my bathroom trying to calm myself down for quite awhile. I was doing everything I could to support her and yet she didn't want it and instead wanted to complain about everything that was wrong with herself. It wasn't even the complaining to the medical stuff that bothered me, it was just the stuff she can actually control. As I sat there I thought about the pictures again. When I get married I want to be able to proudly display my pictures and feel great about having my best friend at my side on the happiest day of my life. Instead I was already worried about what she would say about them and I'm NOT EVEN ENGAGED YET!!! I don't want her in pictures if she is going to feel disgusted about they way she looks (not as worried about what she thinks I look like) and every time she sees that picture she won't be able to focus on the fact that she was there for my life changing event but instead hate the picture itself. I would end up hating the pictures just because they MIGHT make her feel that way. The pictures should be happy reminders of my day and not negatives about her body. (She looked GORGEOUS this weekend by the way and I thought after the bazillion people told her maybe it sank in a little but I don't think it did.) Then I feel horrible for feeling this way. My bestie feels bad about herself and I want nothing more than to help her feel better all around! Instead I'm her emotional punching bag and am starting to question and focus on all my flaws. 

So, when she once again apologized for snapping at me I let some of it out. I let out the frustration that she couldn't be happy for herself. And one thing led to another and before I know it we are yelling at each other and I let it slip that I don't want her in my pictures if she is feeling this way about her body because I want her to be happy about the pictures. She claims she is happy with her body but society says she shouldn't be. I got on to her for not doing things she could control. She told me that it isn't about me, she has to do it on her own when she is ready. Also about how hearing I never want to be like her because she is over 200 lbs hurts her (although I stressed this was a personal number issue and didn't care what she weighed as long as she was truely happy). And in the end after a lot of yelling she decided she would call a cab and go to the airport a day early. I said that was fine, went upstairs and slammed my door. She left.

After crying for a long time and feeling bad I thought about apologizing and going to find her. Then I realized what was actually bothering me.. her negativity. I have tried so hard to be positive, so hard. For her around her and in my head for myself. I get my butt kicked at Crossfit and I get excited to be able to say I survived a workout. I get so excited about dead lifting 185 lbs! I am excited my stomach feels a little more tight even if it isn't getting smaller. I'm so excited I wanted to tell the world and started writing on my blog again because I didn't feel like I could tell my best friend. 

I can't tell her about my frustrations and fears because it might upset her. I can't tell her about how pissed off I get at her for her comments because it won't do any good except upset her. I can't tell my best friend some of the hardest things for me to handle because I am more worried about how she will react than me getting to vent or celebrate about it. I haven't even told her about this blog because I'm afraid it will ruin my one place I can truly be honest about my feelings when it comes to my body and my workouts. I have even gone so far as not even telling my boyfriend (told him today after the fight) because I'm worried that somehow, MAYBE it would get back to her and make her feel bad about herself and that's the last thing I want to do. I want nothing more than to have the friend I saw at her wedding on the beach, the friend who used to get excited with me not just for me, the friend who understood and was part of a team that encouraged each other. I want her back. 

If I were on the outside of this friendship looking in I would say to myself that it is time to move on from such a strong attachment with her. When you feel you have to hide so much from her and go to great lengths to do so, it isn't healthy. Sadly she is in a place of negativity. It is a place I have been but won't allow myself to be in for long periods of time and she is only going to drag me back there if I let her. To keep myself out I need to share my joy! I need to be able to freely talk about the positive things I can focus on without worrying about her feelings. I can't take responsibility for her feelings. I can't.  I can't continue to stifle my emotions to protect hers. Although it all comes out of a place of love and caring for her, for my own safety and sanity I cannot go on being her friend while she is like this. It stresses me out and makes me want to curl up and focus on all the negatives myself. I have become one of those supporters of someone who doesn't want to help their self. 

Should I probably have handled the situation a little better? Yeah, hindsight is 20/20. Do I feel horrible and upset that I just lost the one friend I have been closest to for the last 10 years? Oh yeah, I do and I will probably regret it for a long time to come. But I have to remember what she herself told me... I can't force her to be happier or feel better about herself, she has to do that on her own so I need to let her. I'm most upset that I won't get to be there when that person comes back, but I'm also mortified that she never will be that person again. 

Insanity is changing nothing and expecting different results...

"You don't know what it is like to not like how you look in front of others."

That is what I was told today.

Do you know how furious I was when I heard this?!

Am I 300 pounds? No. Am I 200 pounds? No. Have I ever been? No. Am I the weight I would like to be? No. Close to a healthy weight for my frame? No. Do I like how I look at the weight I am at now? NO!

How dare someone who knows I'm working my butt off so freaking hard to get back into pants that button stop and tell me I don't know what it is like to hate my body! I HATE MY BODY!

But hating my body changes nothing. Looking at pictures and pointing out every detail about my body that I hate changes nothing. Being afraid to step out and try something new changes nothing.

I work really hard to stay positive. I look at my calves and am excited they are solid muscle! I don't focus on the fact that my calf is larger than my neck... I walk by windows/mirrors and admire the definition coming in my calves! I don't focus on the fact that every pair of shorts (minus the latest pair) are so tight on my thighs they cut in a little. I put my hands on my hips and I notice my stomach and sides are getting more firm. I don't focus on the fact that I can't button any pants I could fit last summer/fall and this is where my most fat is. If I did, I would be curled up in a ball crying for weeks! I would eat a crap load of ice cream WITH chocolate sauce.

Instead I focus on the positives. I push myself. I step out of my comfort zone. I work my butt off. I get up and work out at 5:30 am on my summer off. I question every time I eat dessert. I think of alternative things to buy other than sweets/bad food. I suffer! But I know... nothing is going to change without me changing it!!! Doing the same thing, living the same lifestyle is how I got here... it isn't how I get back to a healthier me.

Also, this comes from someone who I know struggles with her weight. She hasn't done anything about it all year and I know she isn't happy with her weight. This morning when I got dressed I put on shorts that are short and show off the legs I've worked so hard to get! Then took them off and went for the longer shorts that aren't so flattering but fit looser (the new ones) so that I wouldn't make her feel bad because I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HATE YOUR BODY!!!!!

Now What?! and Lovin' the Legs

It is summer!!! I'm done with the year. Kids are off to high school. My room is empty. I'm all checked out for the summer. And now what?!

This year feels weird since I didn't have the normal events along the way. All fall I was worried about Jamaica in January so it became my big marker for the winter instead of Winter Break. Then when you come back and suddenly it is February it doesn't feel normal. The end of the year is normally a time where you begin dreading time with students. You're trying to fill the last few days with meaningful assignments while trying to not create more grading for yourself and not let the kids in on the fact that there really is no reason to keep going in curriculum when you've finished everything and are just killing time. Then there is the mess of locker clean out and last minute grade graveling. I missed three days in the last full week of school and somehow it doesn't seem like summer yet. It is a strange feeling. I will take summer, don't get me wrong, it has been long awaited... but just seems different this year.

Also, I would like to mention I have come to like my legs. :)

While I was at the reception last weekend I wore a short dress. I was sitting at the reception and looked down at one point. My legs, no matter how in shape, have always flattened out when I sit down in shorts or a skirt. They look REALLY large when this happens and often I find myself sitting with my heels up to avoid squishing my thighs against the seat. Or crossing my legs to try and hide the squish a little. This time I looked down and was shocked! My thighs don't squish anymore. Weirdest thing but true. I guess that I have built enough strength in my quads and hamstrings that they just don't flatten out. I knew they were getting less giggle but didn't think this would happen.

Then I went to 8th Grade Continuation this week. Final send off for all the students. I wore a dress I haven't worn in a long time and it is designed to look like a shirt with a high waist pencil skirt. The skirt goes down to just above the knee and it is cute. This time I looked awesome! My arms are still pretty wide when pressed to my side but I learned that if I hold them out slightly it takes off about 10 pounds and you can see slight definition some times. I also wore heels! Man did my legs look good. I even managed to dance in heels for awhile and when I got home I felt amazing. For the first time in a long time I felt great about how I look. My legs make me feel great.

I still struggle with the idea that I can't wear my pants. I had to buy pants and they don't even fit right... but I will still take the win! So although I'm more sore today (workout and dancing in heels) than I was yesterday, I do have to say I also love my legs better than yesterday.

Two Months and a Wedding Reception

It has been two months now of Crossfit. I joined so that I could reach my goal of losing weight and the dress I wore in January not fitting for the reception in May. I fit the dress still. It can be a challenge to zip up over my rib cage (because I will never be able to get that to shrink) and managed to weigh 5 lbs more this morning when I got up. Snacking while driving all day probably didn't help that.

So, I didn't reach either of my goals but I do think the weight will dip back down in a day or two after I get settled back in and get back in a routine. Which will change again soon since I am done with school after Wednesday! Woot! I did notice that the weird side boob fat was gone for the most part. It is weird when I look down or do something and notice the fat by my armpits isn't there anymore. That's something I have had for a LONG time. I'm ok with it being gone, don't get me wrong, but it is just something you never thought you would notice as much.

But for now I will be going back to Crossfit and getting back with the program.I'm kind of dreading it actually. I plan on going on Tuesday and Thursday this week to ease back in after a week of no workouts after a week of one work out after a week of TORTURE! I was supposed to go while I was visiting my home town for the reception but I was lazy. I had been driving all day and just wanted to talk to people and hang out with them since I hadn't seen them in forever. I thought about going this morning but instead I enjoyed a few more minutes in bed before having to get up and spend my last full schedule day with students. This was necessary after a 12 hour drive on Sunday. And, I am camping this weekend so Tues/Thurs will be a nice break. Then I will be missing Monday for the camping trip and will get plenty of hiking done instead. Back on the band wagon on Wednesday.

My new goal is to fit back into my dress pants by Fall so I don't feel bad about having to buy a whole new wardrobe for school. My pants are all getting worn out and should be replaced anyway but I am also still not fitting in my pants. Although I can fit into some shorts from last summer!

I skipped a day...

I skipped Monday's workout. Didn't go in the morning or the evening. There is a little guilt, but I think it was for the best.

Friday's workout was a KILLER!!! Seriously... I did a total of 500 jump ropes, 30 sit-ups, 2 min total of planks (I broke it up), and 200 squats. Needless to say, my quads were BEAT. I then went to school and jumped on a charter bus with the band kids to chaperone their overnight trip. Saturday was when I really started to feel it. I could barely get on the bus without using the hand rails. At one point I grabbed a case of water, got my foot on the first step and then had to yell for one of the parents to come get it from me because I physically could not step up with the extra weight.

Sunday I slept. A lot. I went to bed about 10:30 Saturday night and slept till almost 9 the next morning. Normally I'm up by 7 at the latest. Then I laid down for a nap at about 12:30 and slept till almost 4! I was in bed and asleep by 8:30 that night and slept all the way until 4:45 when my alarm starts to go off for working out. I had convinced myself that I would work through whatever they gave if it wasn't a lot of quad work. When I woke up I saw it was ALL quad work with weight! Yeah, that wasn't happening... I walked the dog for an hour instead. That way I got some exercise and I was able to hopefully loosen the quads a little.

Today I woke up and made sure I went. I looked and it was an "easy" workout so no excuses this time. Also, when I say "easy" work out I mean it is one that will still kick your butt only it is a slow and less quick butt kicking. I survived. 13:30 to do 10 rounds of 10 wallballs and 5 pull-ups. (Jumping pull ups of course but they are easier than before!!!)


Last week I also broke down and bought new pants. I got a pair of dress pants (open house thing next week), a pair of crop pants (something school appropriate since I don't like wearing shorts to school), and a pair of shorts (for chaperoning the field trip). The whole time wearing the crop pants and shorts I fought to keep them up! So annoying when you buy new pants so they fit and they keep falling down. Now I need a new belt.

So far there is some weight loss. I will try to update the measurements I took yesterday and last week. As of right now though I have been EXACTLY the same weight three mornings in a row... strange, But, it is 3 lbs lighter than what was showing on the scale so I will take it!

Today's win is the fact that 5 jumping pull-ups in a row at the end of 10 rounds was a breeze! Way better than yesterday.

Feeling Bipolar & Good Form

I get home from a workout and I feel great! I feel like I could conquer the world. My body feels great. Weights were lifted that I've never lifted before. Nothing I couldn't do!

Step on the scale and see no change. *sigh* It isn't about the number. It isn't about the number. It isn't about the number.

Then I try to get dressed. Which sweater and legging combo do I want today? Oh, today was going to be 76... so now what?! I'll roast in a sweater! This morning I got brave and tried on a pair of dress pants. I checked the sizes of all of them and picked the largest. Before even trying to button them I noticed how tight they are on my thighs. That's what you get when you start getting more quads under your fat right? Then the button.

I did it.


I buttoned them.


Then I zipped them.



DON'T BREATHE OR MOVE A MUSCLE!!!!



Yep, I could button and zip them but I was prepared for the button to fly off and the zipper to rip out at any second. If I never had to move today I would have been fine. Is that realistic? NO! So they came off right away. The capris I used to wear before I lost enough weight to buy the dress pants, so hopefully a larger size, couldn't even get over the bottom half of my thighs.

EVERY feeling of accomplishment goes right out the window. I'm suddenly back to feeling like crap and so frustrated. This is my fifth week of Crossfit and I've seen little results. I did what I wasn't going to until next week and I tried on the dress. The dress that I wore for the wedding in Jamaica in January. The dress that I am supposed to wear again in less than two weeks. THAT dress. AAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD....... I can't zip it.

Slight meltdown after that one. So now I have been strict with the fasting and diet. The fasting I think made some progress last week but I went out with the bf and his parents for lunch on Sunday. I had a gf pizza and was a little sluggish Monday. Tuesday included some bad gas. The bf was over for dinner so I was polite and didn't expose him to such vapors. It was probably a good thing too because it wasn't just gas that came out later when I farted in the toilet. This morning was a little remaining upset too so I skipped the workout. I didn't want to know what THAT accident felt like... But I did go this evening.

That leads me to my second topic... Good Form.

A few weeks back the usual morning coach mentioned he saw potential in me. I didn't know what to say or how to take that. I'm not always great at accepting compliments and based on the work environment I'm currently in I was waiting for the "but..." I thought it was weird. Then I was thinking that as a newbie and weak and one of the last ones to finish with modified workouts (now I finish before one of the ladies but she does it RX) that is something a coach would say to keep me going. Telling the new girl she might have potential should keep her going right?

Well, today I went to the evening class. (See above for the reason.) I crack up when people ask if they have met me or if I'm new and I tell them I usually work out in the morning. Today was the usual, "Oh, you're one of THOSE people." Cracks me up. Then I am getting ready to leave after finishing the workout last, but not too far behind and with more weight that ever. The coach who I don't know if I have ever met before came up and told me that I had great form?! Maybe I'm good at this thing?

So, I'm back on cloud nine and feeling strong and powerful.... at least until I have to find clothes to wear tomorrow. If it doesn't change then tomorrow I might be clothes shopping... Ugh.

Today my lesson was better than yesterday and watching the kids be excited about it totally made my day and reminded me why I do what I do for so little pay.

I totally schooled a boy

Thursday we took the entire 8th grade on a field trip. It wasn't a long trip, or even a far away place, but it was still a headache. I was put on a bus with some kids from our team that think they're just too cool. The leader decides he's all that and a bag of chips so he puts the window down. Not an issue except is is 33 outside and snowing! 

Me: put the window up. 

Boy A: I'm hot.

Me: Then take off your sweatshirt and put the window up. 

Boy tries to put the window up. Can't get it.

Tries again.

Boy: I can't, it is stuck. 

Me: Well, you better figure it out and get it up. 

Boy still can't close the window. His buddy next to him tries and fails. The boy in the seat in front of him tries, fails. 

Me: Move, I'll do it. 

First try the window goes up. All the boys around at like "ooooooooohhhhh she showed you!" And he lost one chip off his shoulder. Then, I hear a kid behind me say, "it's all that Crossfit!" 

Yes, yes it is. 💪😎

Then we had a debate about if I actually did Crossfit or not because apparently you don't do Crossfit unless you shout it from the rooftops? 

Friday was a killer workout and when I woke up this morning I was a little shocked. I had an itch on my chest kind of by my armpit and it felt weird when I scratched it! There is a muscle where there used to be more fat! 😳 That's exciting! I am a little sore too. My back/shoulder muscles and calves are letting me know they are growing. It is a nice feeing since I'm not getting visual results yet. Next week will be the real test though. I have to try on the dress so I have enough time to make any necessary alterations... 

No matter what, I did more laundry and cleaning today than I have in awhile and I've done a whole month of Crossfit. That's better than yesterday! 

And I went ahead and signed up for 6 more months of it. 

Deadlifts

Today really was an easy workout. It is ironic because I had almost talked myself out of going. This weekend was brutal! We moved all the rock in the front of the house, dug up 5 bushes, planted raspberry bushes, laid weed fabric, and then put all the rocks back. That was just Saturday! Sunday consisted of hanging gutters, planting strawberries in the gutters, fencing the garden off, and transplanting most of the house plants. There are still a few things to do yet but they will have to wait. 

So I had almost convinced myself to just stay home. I had done enough heavy lifting this weekend that I deserved that right? Then came the guilt trip voice about how I am complaining about my weight and wanting to improve and stick this out. So I went. I have been faithful to three days a week since I started official classes, can't break the streak now. 

So today was a short warm up then working on maxing out back squats, strict press, and deadlifts. Back squats are interesting because today is the first day of doing them in a workout. I managed to get to 90 lbs! I really wanted 100 but we ran out of time and I don't know if I could have. The strict press was difficult! But made it up to 60! I went for 65 but that just wasn't happening today. I'm still impressed! 

Then came deadlifts... I can rock the legs so I knew I could get up there in weight. My mental goal was to break 100 for sure! So we started lighter and worked up. By the end I was at my max and had to dig out the calculator!! 155. That's right... I deadlifted 155 lbs of weight! Goal busted! 

On the other front though I'm still frustrated with weight. I cheated this weekend and ate a hamburger and a bun! 😳 For the first time in a long time I didn't think anything of the bun when ordering. Oops. So I ate it. It was so tasty after a long day in the sun working hard. But seriously, will I ever fit real clothes again? Tomorrow is the day to do measurements and so we shall see but I don't think there is much progress there. 

I was doing more research and it said 3-6 months to stop seeing weight gain. I REALLY don't want to keep gaining, no matter how slowly, for a few more months! So, starting tomorrow I'm more strict on the diet. Seriously. I know I keep telling myself that but I think this is where the old idea of a new resolution every week comes in. I'm no longer allowed to buy processed sugar or dairy. I can finish what I have, I can eat it at Jon's, but I'm not buying it again. 

Then I also read a little about intermittent fasting? I think I need to do more research and then try it out when my schedule goes back to more normal. 

I just need a win... I'd take any one of the following: pants buttoning, back under 175, and/or more definition. 

On the definition note, did you know there is a rather large muscle on your shin? I found mine this weekend. Now if only I could get more defined calves and thighs....